Loner: The Beginning
by Nilla79
Summary: All Human. Prequel to 'Loner'. Edward found his Bella and they got their happily ever after. But what happened before they met? How did the Cullens cope over the years with a new, broken family member? This story takes us back to the beginning.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** **Prequel to 'Loner'. Edward found his Bella and they got their happily ever after. But what happened before they met? How did the Cullens cope over the years with a new, broken family member? This story takes us back to the beginning.**

**A/N****: As promised, here is the prequel story to 'Loner'. This one will not be very long, though, just 5-6 chapters. Each chapter will be from a different POV, except for the first one that is Carlisle, which I had to split in two. Basically, you will get inside the heads of the Cullens over the years, find out what they were thinking and feeling. The story starts when Carlisle first meets Edward at the hospital in Chicago, and everything that happens takes place before Edward meets Bella. Some dialogue is taken from 'Loner'.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this story and Loner. The characters all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**oOoOoOo**

**Carlisle: Part One**

"Who did this?" I demanded, my voice sharp as I looked around the room. No response. They were all just staring at me with something close to fear in their eyes, and I figured I couldn't really blame them, seeing how this had to be the first time they heard me raise my voice. I was normally much more composed, but not today. "Did you hear me? I want to know who is responsible."

I had always found working as a doctor to be rewarding, because it made me feel like I was making a difference by helping people. But there was also a downside - one that couldn't be ignored. The world could be a cruel place. I had seen a lot over the years, and there were things I wished I had the power to remove from my memory.

Still, by the end of the day, I had learned to leave it all behind me and go home. That was until today. I didn't know it yet, but sleep wouldn't come to me easily that night. The ball had already started rolling, and I had no idea what was coming, what I was up against.

The boy was brought in a few hours ago, and for some reason, I couldn't get the image of his small, battered body out of my mind. It was always worse when it was young children, no question about it, but somehow, this one stayed with me. Maybe it was because he was close in age to my own two children, and it would kill me to see something happen to either of them.

I had a bad feeling about this. My suspicions had yet to be confirmed, but I was neither ignorant, nor stupid. I could tell the difference between an accident and an act of abuse. This child had been hurt on purpose. The question was, was it the first time? And more importantly - who was responsible?

My shift was over, but something made me stay. I knew Esme was waiting to hear from me, but I told myself she would understand. I just couldn't bring myself to leave, at least not before I had gotten some further information. It wasn't that I didn't trust the people I worked with, because they all had to know what they were doing, but I wanted - no, _needed_ - to hear the full story.

"Um, Dr. Cullen?" A soft voice spoke up, snapping me out of my thoughts. It was Kate, one of the youngest nurses in the staff, and unlike the others, she actually met my eyes and held my gaze as I turned to look at her. She looked as if she was on the verge of tears, but I didn't know whether it was because of the situation, or simply the fact that I was obviously losing my temper.

"Yes, Kate?" I gave her a look I hoped would be encouraging - it wasn't my intention to intimidate her.

She took a deep breath, and I tried not to let my impatience show as I waited for her to continue, "We're pretty sure it was the stepfather."

**oOoOoOo**

The gut-wrenching cries and wails tugged at my heartstrings and I all but pushed my way into the room, shoving my colleagues and coworkers out of the way, only to stop dead in my tracks as I took in the scene playing out in front of me. The boy was curled up in the corner of the room, arms protectively over his face, and he was shaking so bad I feared he would shatter right there.

I could see three nurses - two male and one female - hovering nervously around him as none of them seemed to know just what to do, and I struggled to remain calm as I strode across the room, never taking my eyes off the frightened and clearly disoriented boy who looked ready to claw his way right through the wall in order to escape.

"You need to give him some space," I insisted firmly, pleased when they all obediently backed away without protests, and I didn't miss the looks of relief on their faces as they realized I was taking control of the situation. For a brief moment, I found myself thinking I must be surrounded by a bunch of amateurs. Had none of these people dealt with a traumatized child before?

"Clear the room, please," I went on, stopping at a safe distance from the boy who had suddenly become almost eerily quiet, and just like the first time I saw him, earlier today, fury welled up inside me as I took in the extent of his injuries - the ones visible to me, anyway. How anyone could hurt an innocent child like that was beyond me.

Something just occurred to me, and I called out in a low voice for the female nurse to stay. Her name was Irina, and she kept giving me suggestive smiles and batting her eyelashes at me whenever she passed me in the hallways, even though I never did anything to encourage her, and to be honest, she made me a bit uncomfortable, but right now, I needed her.

I wasn't stupid - if this boy had been hurt by a man, there was no reason for him to trust me, especially if it was just the two of us in the room.

Clearing my throat, I addressed him for the first time, all the while making sure to keep my distance to avoid agitating him any further as I spoke up softly, "Edward? I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and this woman next to me is named Irina. I assure you, no one is going to hurt you. Now, do you know where you are?"

No response. I waited almost a minute before trying again, "Do you hear me, son? Everything's going to be all right." Still nothing. It was like he had just shut down, retreated into himself as a last desperate attempt to protect himself. I had seen it before, and frankly, it wasn't completely unexpected during the circumstances.

I approached him very carefully, crouching down on the floor. "Edward? Do you hear me?" When he remained unresponsive, I reached out to gently place my hand on his arm, hoping the contact would snap him out of the passive state he was in, but that turned out to be a big mistake from my side.

His entire body became rigid and he flinched back as if I had just struck him, the back of his head slamming into the wall behind him, and he let out a fearful whimper. I instantly raised my hands in surrender, only to realize that with both eyes practically swollen shut, he wouldn't be able to see what I was doing. "It's all right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I'm backing away, just relax."

But it was useless - my soothing words having absolutely no effect as he once again covered his face with his arms and started rocking back and forth, mumbling something rapidly, and it took a moment before I was able to make out the words he was forcing out in a broken voice, repeating over and over again, "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad..."

I heard a noise behind me and turned to look over my shoulder. Irina quickly swept her thumb under her eye to brush away a stray tear, and took a deep breath. "Should we sedate him?" she asked huskily.

Having hoped it wouldn't come to that, that I would be able to calm him down by myself, I finally nodded with a sigh of defeat. "Yes."

**oOoOoOo**

"Carlisle, your shift ended over an hour ago. You should go home and get some sleep."

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I looked into the concerned eyes of my colleague and friend, Dr. Marcus Aro. We had been working together for a couple of years back in Forks, before he took his family and moved to Chicago, and he was the one who had encouraged me to transfer here for a limited period of time, obviously sensing my need to get away for a while after everything that had happened.

Thankfully, Esme had been supportive of my decision, although I sometimes got the feeling she had wanted some space from me as well. I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage, though, my wife and children meant everything to me. Hopefully, some time apart would be good for both of us. At least we were able to act civil around each other when I was home.

There were times when I felt like a coward for running away like this, but I didn't know what else to do. Every time I looked at my wife, the guilt would consume me. Knowing that Esme had tried taking her own life because she couldn't stand the pain of losing our child, and that I hadn't been able to see the signs and be there for her in time, had broken me a little more every day.

But she was getting help now. She was doing much better. And I had to believe our love for each other was strong enough to survive this. We would be okay.

Now I snapped out of my thoughts and smiled at Marcus. "Are you insinuating that I'm here too much? Is this your polite way of letting me know you've gotten tired of my presence?"

"No, this is my way of telling an old friend that he needs to leave this place and get some rest before he burns himself out." Marcus shook his head in mild disapproval, although he did return my smile. "How is Esme, by the way? The kids?"

"They're all good, thank you. I'll be seeing them in a couple of days." I paused. "Speaking of family, have you had any success in reaching Edward's mother?" I couldn't understand why the woman had yet to show up. Both Marcus and I had tried in vain to get a hold of her all day, leaving several messages, but she hadn't returned any of our calls.

Didn't she care about her son at all? The thought was most disturbing.

"No," he admitted. "But the police was here earlier. Apparently, they arrested the husband. Now they want us to find proof that this wasn't the first time. So, I checked the boy's medical files, but there's nothing in there indicating he's ever been hurt before. However..." his eyes darkened, "There are enough scars on his body, not to mention old injuries that haven't healed properly, to suggest otherwise."

I nodded grimly, having come to the same conclusion myself.

"But I'm afraid there's more." Marcus hesitated a little before picking up a sheet of paper from his desk and handed it to me. "This report just came to me from the lab. We got the test results back." He shook his head, sadly. "At least this will hopefully be all the proof they need to put that damn child abuser away for good."

My heart sank as I looked down at the paper in my hand, its contents confirming that this was even worse than I had first imagined.

Marcus seemed to read my mind, and nodded in agreement. "That's right. Obviously, just beating the kid wasn't enough."

**oOoOoOo**

"It's over now, son," I said quietly, knowing he was awake and would be able to hear me. "He's gone. He won't be able to hurt you again." Two days had passed, and I was once again working a double shift. It had been a long night, and I had spent my short breaks between tending to other patients checking on Edward. While he had been mostly out of it, I knew his sleep had been far from peaceful.

I figured I must have walked into his hospital room at least half a dozen times during the night, and at first, he had tensed up and flinched every time I entered. I realized he was having nightmares, no doubt about what happened to him, because that's the way the human mind works. So I had started talking, keeping my voice calm and steady, assuring him over and over again that he was in fact safe.

About the third or fourth time I stepped into the room, making sure to announce my presence by speaking up quietly from the doorway before going inside, he had remained quiet.

I had been most hesitant to touch him again after the way he reacted the first time, but at one point, I had seen no other option. He had been slipping in and out of consciousness, clearly unable to relax, when the door opened and one of the male nurses had entered the room. The approach of the unidentified visitor was all it took to set Edward into a fit of panic, and without thinking, I put my hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay," I had assured him. "No one will harm you here." To my relief - and utter surprise - he actually settled down after a few minutes.

Now he stirred on the bed, turning his head slightly in my direction. "Good morning, Edward," I said, not really expecting a response. He had barely said two words to anyone so far, not even during his more lucid moments, which bothered me, but I was set on being patient. "How are you feeling today? Are you in pain?"

He shook his head once, and while I wasn't sure whether or not he was being sincere, I decided to let it go for now. "Your vision will hopefully clear in a day or so. I realize it must be frightening not being able to see anything." I paused, hating myself for what I had to ask next. "Edward, do you remember what happened? How you got hurt?"

I watched how he tensed up at my question, and I took a deep breath before I went on, "It's all right. I know it was not an accident. Tell me who did this to you, and I promise to do everything in my power to make sure it'll never happen again." Technically, I already knew, but for some reason, I needed to hear it from him.

As the seconds ticked by, turning into minutes, I told myself he wouldn't answer, and the last thing I wanted to do was pushing him. But then, finally, after what seemed like hours, Edward opened his mouth, ran his tongue over his cracked lips, and whispered one word. A name. "James."

**oOoOoOo**

"So, Mrs... Hunter? I see you don't have the same surname as your son." I looked up from the file in my hand to watch the woman in front of me, somewhat suspiciously. Edward's mother had finally showed up, after almost three days. There was some resemblance between the two of them, so I didn't doubt her identity, but something about her appearance made me feel uneasy. Maybe it was her eyes.

Or maybe just the fact that she had allowed days to pass before bothering to come see her son. I was pretty sure it was the latter, or a combination of the two.

"I got married. Edward still has my maiden name." She offered no further explanation than that, fidgeting somewhat awkwardly in her seat.

"I see." I hesitated a little. "Well, we have been trying to get a hold of you for the last couple of days. Surely you must have received our messages?"

She let out a huff. "My husband got arrested, Dr. Cullen. I'm sure you can understand that my mind has been a bit occupied. I'm here now, aren't I?"

Figuring it was a rhetorical question, I bit back my response and nodded. "I'll be honest with you, Mrs. Hunter. Your son was taken in three days ago, and I'm very concerned about the condition he was in when he arrived here at the hospital. When you wouldn't return our phone calls, we had no choice but to contact the Social Services." I held my breath, but her reaction was nothing like I had expected.

Her eyes narrowed, but she didn't protest or lash out at me. Instead she just nodded in acceptance. "Are they taking him away?"

I frowned. "Mrs. Hunter-"

"Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth," I corrected myself with a nod, trying not to sigh. "Your husband hurt your son badly the other day. And we have reason to believe it wasn't the first time. What do you have to say about that?"

"I've already talked to the police." She glared at me. "I don't know anything. I can't be held responsible for whatever my husband might have done."

It took just about all the willpower I possessed not to jump up from my chair and get in her face. "Edward has old scars all over his back. I find it very hard to believe that you have never seen them. Your son is deeply traumatized, Mrs. Hunter, and I don't believe you are as oblivious as you're letting on."

For a moment, she was quiet. Then she looked down at her hands. "I've never laid a hand on my son. That's the truth."

I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache coming up. "You do realize that just standing by and allow-"

She cut me off, "Is there any paper for me to sign?"

"I beg your pardon?" I blinked in confusion. It just hit me that not once had she asked me how her son was doing.

"From the Social Services," she clarified, the lack of emotion in her voice making me shiver. "They are taking him, right? Surely they must see I'm not fit to..." her voice trailed off and she looked out the window. "Just tell me what to do, Dr. Cullen, and I'll be out of your way."

**oOoOoOo**

"Darling, just hear me out before you say no," I pleaded, taking both of my wife's hands in mine.

Esme sighed. "Carlisle, I'm not saying no, but..." She hesitated for a moment. "Have you really thought this through? I mean, what do we know about being foster parents? It's a huge responsibility, and to be honest, I'm not sure I have what it takes. I mean, I'm still on antidepressants, and we are just beginning to come to terms with everything."

"Esme..." I started, but she wasn't finished.

"If this poor boy really is as troubled and damaged as you say he is, then what makes you think we would be able to help him? Surely he needs professional help, and-"

I interrupted her. "Then we'll make sure he gets all the help he needs. I have connections, Esme. There are a lot of excellent child psychologists and therapists out there. But what Edward needs most of all is a home where he can feel safe."

She watched me for a long moment. "This is really important to you, isn't it?"

"Yes," I told her sincerely, relieved when she just nodded in acceptance. She didn't ask why I felt so strongly about this, and for that I was grateful. The truth was, I wouldn't have been able to give her any explanation, because I wasn't sure myself.

When she remained silent, I went on, "He's an eleven-year-old boy who has been through hell, Esme. And his mother literally abandoned him, not that I would ever let him go back there, even if she hadn't. My point is, he is all alone, and not many people would be prepared to take him in. What if he ends up someplace even worse?" The thought was sickening, but I knew it was possible.

"I hear what you're saying." Esme squeezed my hands, allowing me to take her in my arms. "No child should ever have to go through something like that. But I'm scared, Carlisle. What if we agree to become foster parents and then it turns out we can't handle it? What if it's too much? And would Edward even want to come live with us? He has his life, everything he knows, in Chicago."

I could understand her reasoning. But yet I wouldn't back down. I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to do. "Just come back to Chicago with me and meet him. Please?"

She closed her eyes briefly, then gave me a sad smile. "Of course I will."

**oOoOoOo**

Edward's physical injuries were slowly starting to heal, but I was more concerned about what this whole ordeal had done to him emotionally and mentally. He seemed to have built pretty thick walls around himself, and I wasn't sure how to break through them. Still, I could tell he was more comfortable around me than... well, to be perfectly honest, everyone else.

Unless he was heavily sedated, he would become absolutely terrified every time someone else entered his hospital room. That was, unless I was already in there. Then he would just tense up in alarm, shrink back into the bed, and glance at me with fear in his eyes, as if silently begging me to protect him. While I was grateful he seemed to trust me on some level, it still broke my heart to see him so distressed.

He still wouldn't let me come too close, though. Sitting down at the bottom of his bed was okay, but he would instinctively shy away if I tried to touch him. Sometimes I didn't have a choice, like when I had to check on his injuries, and it always ended the same way, with him shaking and sobbing in defeat, and me feeling like the most vile creature on the planet for adding to his obvious fear of physical contact.

I always tried to talk to him about it afterwards, when he had calmed down, explaining to him countless of times that just because I would touch him didn't mean it would be painful, or that I meant him any harm. He seemed to listen to what I was telling him - for the moment. The next time, it was just the same thing, all over again.

Another thing that bothered me was his instant acceptance of the fact that his mother wasn't coming back. He only asked about her once, and then he didn't bring up the subject again. When I asked him later if Elizabeth had ever treated him badly, he just stated in a small voice, "My mom doesn't want me."

I choked up at his words, but since I didn't have the heart to lie to him and tell him he was wrong, I had to excuse myself and leave the room. As soon as my shift ended, I called home and asked to speak to my children, telling Alice and Emmett several times each how much I loved them. They both sounded a little perplexed by my emotional declarations, and I couldn't say I blamed them.

After going through Elizabeth Hunter's medical files, I learned that she was once treated for Post-partum depression, which I had to admit explained some things about her behavior. What I couldn't figure out, though, was why on earth she had stopped taking her medication. Then I realized she had stopped about the same time she had gotten married.

I had avoided talking to Edward about the future up until now, but I knew it was time to bring it up. He had to be wondering what was going to happen to him, even though he was obviously not confident enough to ask.

So I cleared my throat. "Edward, there's something I want to discuss with you." Seeing the alarm on his face, I quickly held up a hand, calmly explaining that everything was okay, that I just wanted to talk to him about what was going to happen once he was well enough to leave the hospital. I had meant to make him feel more at ease, but I realized with a sinking feeling that my words had the opposite effect.

His wary expression turned into one of pure terror, tears welling up in his eyes, and my heart ached when I realized how hard he was struggling to fight back the choked sobs that escaped him. Taking a deep breath to pull myself together, I sat down on the bed, trying to ignore the way he automatically flinched when the bed shifted.

"It's all right, son, you won't have to go back there. Just calm down and let me explain." It took a moment, but then he actually seemed to relax, if only slightly. I went on, "I told you the other day I have a wife named Esme. She's here today, and she would like to meet you. I think you will like her - she's a very kind woman." I paused. "Esme and I both hope you would like to come live with us in Forks."

**oOoOoOo**

"Dad, when is Edward going to be here?" my son asked, taking a huge bite of his sandwich.

Casting a brief look at my watch, I quickly downed the rest of my coffee - I needed to hurry, or I would be late. I turned back to Emmett. "He will be here next Thursday, son. The next time I get back from Chicago, I'm bringing him with me."

Alice carefully put her half-empty glass of juice down on the table in front of her, her eyes shining with excitement. "And then you're not going back there again, right? You'll be staying here with us?"

"That's right." I exchanged a look with my wife, who smiled at me softly. We had decided that with Edward moving in with us, it would be better if I was close by, so I was transferring back to the hospital here in Forks. In all honesty, I could hardly wait. I had really missed my family these past months, especially at night, when I was all alone in the small apartment I was renting in Chicago.

There really was no place like home.

"Cool!" Emmett exclaimed around the food in his mouth, grinning apologetically when Esme gave him a look of disapproval for speaking with his mouth full. He swallowed quickly. "I can't wait to show Edward my video games."

Even though Edward was closer in age to Alice - she would be eleven in a couple of months - Emmett was very excited about getting a 'brother'. Hopefully they would all be getting along well. I was a bit concerned, though, regarding Edward's social issues. The more time I spent with him, the more clear it became to me how uncomfortable and uneasy he was around other people.

"Just give him time, and go easy on him." I looked from Emmett to Alice, a serious note in my voice as I continued, "Your mother and I have explained to you the importance of making Edward feel at home here with us, but he's bound to feel a bit overwhelmed. This is all a strange, new situation for him, and he has been through a lot. I ask that you have that in mind."

"We know. You already told us." Emmett looked slightly offended that I didn't seem to have complete faith in him.

"Don't worry, Daddy." Alice smiled and shifted eagerly in her seat, causing her dark pigtails to bounce. "We'll be good. Edward's going to love us."

I smiled at my little girl - who really wasn't so little anymore - and nodded in agreement. "I'm sure he will, honey. Just remember what I said." She nodded.

**oOoOoOo**

"I know what you are going to say, but I must ask anyway." Marcus' face was a mixture of understanding and concern. "Are you absolutely certain about this, Carlisle? There would have been other options. You already have a lot on your plate. Trust me when I say that taking in a foster child - especially a traumatized one - will require more time and patience than you can possibly imagine."

"Believe me, Marcus, I am fully aware of that." I tried not to sound impatient. "I know what I'm doing, and I'm not having second thoughts. This will work out."

He watched me closely, then nodded in acceptance. "I hope you are right, my old friend. You will be missed here, but I always knew this was only a temporary arrangement. Your life is in Forks."

"Yes." I smiled, knowing he was right. "I must thank you, though. My time here has been a most interesting and eye-opening experience. I suppose you could say I've learned a lot about myself over the last couple of months."

"I'm glad to hear that," he responded solemnly. I accepted his outstretched hand, shaking it. "Now you have to excuse me - I have patients to tend to." With that, we parted.

A few minutes later, I found myself standing outside Edward's hospital room, knowing this would be the last time I stepped inside. It felt strange in a way, being here at the hospital in my regular clothes. And even more strange knowing that when I left this place today, I wouldn't be alone.

Edward knew he was coming home to Forks with me, and he seemed to be accepting the change without objections. I could tell he was relieved to finally be able to leave the hospital, but I had a feeling he had yet to take in what all of this meant for him. He was clearly still very skittish and withdrawn, and would rarely say a word unless he had to.

But that was to be expected. Here he was, merely a child, betrayed and abandoned by those who were supposed to be his family. No doubt would he have lost faith in the human race. It would most likely take a while to gain his full trust, but I was not going to give up.

I only hoped my family and I would be able to help him.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow, the response I got for the first chapter was amazing. Thank you all so much! Here's the second part of Carlisle's POV. At first I was a bit nervous about writing from other POVs than Edward and Bella, but I just love writing Carlisle. And I've actually been hearing Peter Facinelli's voice in my head while writing this, which makes me hope I get his character to come out as somewhat believable. Oh, and it's a very nice voice, too. *lol* Well, I hope you'll like this. Next chapter will be Emmett POV.**

**oOoOoOo**

**Carlisle: Part Two**

"It's been a long day, son. Just try to get some sleep, and we'll talk more tomorrow. Now remember, Esme and I will be right down the hall." I paused for a moment, briefly wondering if maybe I should offer to stay until he was asleep, but then decided against it, not wanting him to feel smothered or overwhelmed.

Besides, I had a feeling he could use some time to himself to process everything that had happened today. Edward and I had arrived at the house just around lunchtime, and I suspected the rest of the day had mostly been a blur to him with so many new impressions to take in at once.

He had been silent and guarded around Esme and the kids, not speaking up unless spoken to, but I really hadn't been expecting anything else. Alice had been her usual bubbly self, bouncing on her toes and chatting animatedly about everything and nothing, not letting the fact that Edward obviously had a hard time keeping up and sharing her excitement bring her down.

I had worried about how Edward would react once the relief of leaving the hospital had worn off and he had gotten the chance to really absorb the fact that I was actually taking him from the only home he had known, to live permanently in a new house in a whole different state, almost two thousand miles away. To be honest, I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or concerned when he hadn't objected once.

"Would you like me to close the door after me, or leave it open?" I asked him now, wanting to make sure he knew he had options, that this was his home now and we all wanted him to be comfortable.

"Closed," he immediately mumbled in response, and I nodded in acceptance. After reminding him again where to find us should he need anything, I wished him a good night and left the room, closing the door quietly behind me.

I found Esme waiting for me, just like I knew she would, and she gave me a soft smile as I joined her on the couch. "The kids are all tucked in," I said. When she nodded in understanding, I went on, "I think today went pretty well, don't you? I mean, sure, Edward is going to need some time to adjust to his new situation, but I have a positive feeling about this. We did the right thing bringing him here."

"Yeah." Esme was quiet for a moment. "I just hope he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night and becomes frightened or disoriented. This house must be huge to him."

I nodded, knowing she was right. I hadn't seen the apartment where Edward used to live back in Chicago myself, but the middle-aged woman from Social Services who went there to pick up some clothes and other things for Edward told me it hadn't been much. She also informed me that Elizabeth had been home at the time, acting completely indifferent, like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"That reminds me, I want the court to put a restraining order on his mother," I told Esme now. "Judging from what I've seen of her so far, I doubt it'll happen, but I intend to minimalize the risk of her trying to approach him in the future. If Edward ever wants to see her, that's one thing, but I don't want her to show up unannounced one day and cause him any further distress. He has enough to deal with as it is."

Esme let out a shuddering breath. "I can't even imagine what it must have been like for him," she admitted, tearing up at the thought.

I hummed in agreement, patting her knee sympathetically. "I'm sure Edward has to be very confused and shattered right now. We need to be open and honest with him, but it's also important for him to get a sense of normalcy once he's had a chance to land. For obvious reasons, his perception of family is twisted, and it's up to us to show him it can be good, that he's safe here."

She smiled, although somewhat shakily. "You are a good man, Carlisle, and very wise. When you put it like that, you make it all sound almost simple."

I shook my head regretfully. "I'm afraid it won't be so simple, though. There's still so much we don't know, like what Edward's feelings are towards his mother. She obviously lacked the ability to care for him emotionally, and he's a smart kid. He told me straight out that his mom didn't want him, but just because he is aware of her feelings doesn't mean he won't miss her. She's the only family he knows."

There was absolutely no information available about Edward's biological father, and no other relatives seemed to have ever been in the picture. While that made things a little easier when it came to dealing with the Social Services, without doubt shortening the process quite a bit, my heart went out to the boy all over again - he really was all alone in the world.

Except that he had us now. He wouldn't be alone anymore.

Esme was silent for a couple of seconds, contemplating my words. When she finally spoke, her voice was laced with fury. "That awful woman... I just can't understand how anyone can be so... cold. Doesn't she have a heart? It's her child, her own flesh and blood for God's sake!"

How badly I could relate to my wife's anger, because I felt it as well. I sighed. "She's sick, Esme. Now I'm not saying that excuses her behavior, I'm merely stating a fact. That's another thing we need to make sure Edward understands." I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling slightly overwhelmed. There were so many things to take into consideration.

I had to believe it was all going to work out, though. Edward would be all right here with us. Surely the nearest future would be a challenge for all of us, but with enough love, patience and understanding, I truly believed we were going to make it, that Edward had a good chance of recovering from the trauma of his past. That night, I fell asleep with my arms wrapped tightly around my wife and hope in my heart.

It was just a few minutes past midnight and I had been sleeping for less than an hour when I was jolted awake. And that was when the screaming began. 

**oOoOoOo**

"Good morning, everyone." I entered the kitchen to find all three children already seated around the table that was practically overflowing with food. There was toast, fruit, eggs, cereal, homemade bagels, and as if that wasn't enough, my wife was standing by the stove making pancakes. I shook my head in amusement. "You've outdone yourself this morning, dear."

Esme smiled sheepishly as I walked up to her and kissed her cheek. "Maybe I went a little overboard, but it's Saturday, and we're all having breakfast together. I just wanted to make sure everyone gets something they like."

"That's really thoughtful, darling." I kissed her again before I made my way over to the table and sat down. "Now I just have to figure out where to start," I joked, reaching for a bagel and picking up the morning paper with a content sigh.

It was a rare occasion, the whole family eating together in the morning, and I intended to fully enjoy the fact that I wouldn't have to run off to work as usual since it was my day off. Normally I just had a cup of coffee before anyone else was even awake. It was the middle of July, and my kids had always loved to sleep in when they wouldn't have to go to school.

I figured it was a good thing Edward had moved in with us at this time of the year, that way he wouldn't have to deal with starting a new school on top of everything else, at least not for a while. He had lived with us for a little more than a week now, and he still barely spoke around the house, unless someone asked him a direct question.

It was all still so new to him, and I couldn't blame him for being self-conscious and withdrawn after everything that had happened, but I really hoped he would be able to act more comfortable around the rest of us soon. There were times when he almost seemed composed and accepting, only to become nervous and agitated a moment later.

"Mom, is there any juice?" Alice asked now, snapping me out of my thoughts. Esme - who had just turned off the stove - cast a confused look at the table as she approached with a large plate full of warm pancakes in her hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey, it must still be in the fridge." She hesitated a little. "Edward, would you mind getting the juice, please? My hands are full."

I could tell it was hard for her to ask, but she did it, and I was proud of her. The truth was, had it been up to my wife to decide, she would probably spend all of her time giving Edward anything he wanted to make sure he was happy here with us, and she definitely wouldn't have him do any chores around the house.

But I had firmly told her not to treat him any different than Alice and Emmett, explaining that Edward needed to feel like he was one of us and not some charity case. Thankfully Esme understood my reasoning. It was obvious that she had already taken the boy to her heart, and I hoped it was just a matter of time before her loving and maternal instincts would win him over.

Edward obediently got up and headed for the fridge, pulling out a large glass pitcher of what I assumed to be freshly made orange juice, and returned to the table. I was just skimming through an article in the paper when a couple of things happened simultaneously.

Emmett eagerly threw himself across the table diving for the pancakes just as Edward was about to put the juice down, and - clearly startled by Emmett's sudden movement - he instinctively jumped back in alarm, the pitcher slipping out of his hands and shattering against the table, causing the juice to splash and broken glass to scatter all over the place.

"Nobody move!" Esme cried out in panic, resulting in Alice and Emmett immediately gluing themselves to the seat of their chairs with their hands in the air, because they both knew just how frantic with worry their mother would become if she thought there was the slightest risk of any of them getting hurt. Edward, on the other hand, did not.

"Esme..." I warned with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, but it was already too late. No doubt already shaken up from dropping the pitcher, Esme's outburst was obviously the last straw that sent Edward over the edge, and before anyone got the chance to even react, he had backed up against the far wall, his eyes wide with fear and darting between Esme and the mess on the table.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," he rambled in a trembling voice, sliding down to the floor and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Oh, no, I'm not mad, sweetie." The shame was written all over Esme's face as she instantly started towards him, only to stop as I placed my hand gently on her arm, shaking my head slightly and silently telling her to keep her distance. I could tell she was torn - desperately wanting to calm the terrified boy and at the same time trusting my judgment. Thankfully, she remained where she was.

"It's okay, Edward, it's just juice," Alice piped up comfortingly from across the room, and when I looked at her, I noticed she appeared to be stunned by Edward's reaction.

"Yeah, and most of it got on Alice, anyway," Emmett added helpfully, ignoring his sister's scowl. Normally I would be amused by their teasing banter, but at the moment, my focus was on Edward.

I approached him very slowly, holding both my hands up in a non-threatening manner. "Edward, it's all right, nobody is angry. Esme just got worried someone might cut themselves on the broken glass. Isn't that right?" I turned to give her an expectant look.

She immediately nodded in agreement, concern and guilt in her eyes. "Yes, of course. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell like that."

Clearly not convinced, Edward pressed his back into the wall behind him, as if trying to get as far away as possible, and his body was shaking violently. "I'm sorry," he choked out again, and I suspected he hadn't heard a word I just said. "Please don't send me back."

My eyes widened in horror and I heard my wife gasp next to me. "Of course not," I managed to get out, appalled that he would even think that. It was the first time he had voiced any fear like that, and while a part of me found hope in the fact that he seemed to want to stay here, it definitely bothered me that he instantly assumed we would punish him for something that was clearly an accident.

I needed to have a talk with Edward as soon as possible. No matter what it took, I would make sure he realized that his place was now here with us, that he had nothing to fear anymore. But I started to get a feeling it might be a bit harder than I had first thought. 

**oOoOoOo**

My heart was pounding in my chest but I struggled to remain calm, at least on the outside. Inside my head, however, there was full chaos as my brain was still trying to understand what had just happened.

Deep down, I knew I shouldn't be surprised. As the weeks passed, turning into months, Edward had only grown more introverted and detached instead of the other way around like I had hoped, and I should have predicted that it was just a matter of time before he finally snapped.

But I had not seen this coming. I had been taken completely off guard and it took me a moment to collect myself. Suddenly I was grateful no one else was home.

Now I took a deep breath, trying to remember what in particular I could have said to set him off, but to be perfectly honest, I was at a loss. We had just been talking - or to be more accurate, _I_ had been talking and I could only assume he was listening - when all of a sudden he simply exploded. There was no other way to describe his violent - and to me totally unexpected - reaction.

"I don't wanna go to the hospital!" he yelled now, his eyes darting wildly around the room in search for more things to smash, but fortunately there was nothing breakable in reach as he had already thrown everything he could get his hands on, all the while screaming obscenities I was absolutely shocked to find as a part of his vocabulary.

At the word 'hospital', something clicked, and I could have just kicked myself for not making the connection sooner. It all made sense to me now. Alice and Emmett would visit me at work all the time, and I had merely asked Edward to stop by some time, just because the hospital was a big part of my life and I wanted him to see it.

That, and I didn't want him to feel left out. But now I could see it had definitely been the wrong suggestion to make.

He was standing in the middle of the room, fists clenched and panting, and I was just about to tell him that he didn't have to go anywhere when his shoulders sagged and he took a step back, blinking a couple of times like he wasn't sure exactly where he was. When he then raised his head and looked at me, I could see fear, uncertainty and confusion in his eyes.

"Edward..." I started, only to stop when his eyes widened in horror as he looked around the room, taking in the destruction, and I could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he was clearly putting two and two together. That was when it hit me that he must have blacked out completely for a few minutes, because he obviously had no idea what he had just done.

As he turned his fearful eyes back to me, I knew I had to choose my next words and actions very carefully, because he looked about ready to bolt. I suddenly noticed how pale he had become and his breathing was coming out in short, uneven gasps. Realizing he was having some kind of panic attack, I pushed my own insecurities aside and jumped into action.

"You need to calm down, son," I told him, keeping my tone as gentle and soothing as I could. "Take a couple of deep breaths, and just focus on your breathing. You will feel better soon." I was relieved when he followed my instructions after only a moment's hesitation. "That's is. You're doing just fine."

He appeared to be somewhat calmer now, but I could tell by his stiff posture that he was still confused and frightened. "Let's sit down," I suggested, gesturing to the small couch across the room. When Edward didn't move, I held back a sigh and went to sit on the bed. Then I waited. After almost a minute, he finally made his way over to the couch and slumped down, never taking his eyes off me.

"Edward, I'd like to talk about what just happened." I held his gaze, pleased when he didn't look away. "You got very upset there for a while. Can you tell me why?" He swallowed hard but remained silent, so I went on, "Whatever it is, we'll work it out. I promise, you don't have to-"

He spoke up then, cutting me off mid sentence, his voice unsure and trembling, "Are you sending me away now?"

I felt a pang in my chest, sad but not overly surprised that we were back to this. It didn't seem to matter how many times Esme and I both tried to make him see that he was a part of our family now - Edward still seemed convinced that it was just a matter of time before we would get tired of him and throw him away like he was nothing more to us than yesterday's garbage.

"No, Edward," I responded patiently, knowing I couldn't blame him for having a hard time trusting people again after what he had been through. If your own flesh and blood could just walk out on you after eleven years, not looking back once, and then you got thrust into a new family of complete strangers, how could you trust them not to do the same?

"But I was bad," he whispered, shamefully glancing around the room.

I shook my head reassuringly. "What happened wasn't your fault, son. Don't worry about it. Like I said - we'll work it out. That's what we'll always do, no matter what happens."

He gave me a doubtful look but didn't object, and it hit me just how badly he wanted to believe me. It was with a heavy heart I also realized that he didn't. 

**oOoOoOo**

"I say we all go out for ice-cream tonight. It's been a while since we did something fun together." Esme sounded enthusiastic as she looked hopefully around the dinner table, but I wasn't fooled by her attempt of pretending everything was fine. I appreciated her making an effort, though, because I obviously didn't have the energy myself at the moment.

"That's a great idea, Mom! Can Jasper come?" Alice asked eagerly. I bit back my instinctive response as Esme gave me a warning look, taking a deep breath and silently counting to five as I forced myself to let my wife handle this. Relief welled up inside me as she firmly but softly told Alice she wanted tonight's outing to be just family.

I knew Esme didn't agree with me, but as far as I was concerned, Alice was way too young to hang out with some boy she barely knew. She had just turned thirteen, and I would gladly avoid associating the word 'teenager' with my little girl for a little while longer. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to have much say in the matter.

"Alice and Jasper sitting in a tree..." Emmett teased in a sing-song voice, causing the corner of Edward's mouth to twitch slightly upward, but the second he noticed me looking at him, his face went blank and he turned his attention back to the food on his plate.

I held back a sigh and half-heartedly berated Emmett for teasing his sister, feeling guilty as silence filled the room. It hadn't been my intention to bring everybody down, but to be honest, the spirits hadn't really been all that high to begin with. Nobody spoke again for the rest of the meal.

The silence was broken as Edward noisily pushed his chair back, picked up his half-empty plate and got up without a word. He quickly rinsed the plate in the sink before heading for the door, as if he couldn't get away fast enough. I was already running out of patience, or I would probably have kept quiet. Instead I put my fork down a bit harder than I had intended, causing everyone's eyes to turn to me.

"What's the rush?" I demanded, annoyed with myself for being unable to keep the edge out of my voice. In my defense I was tired, both physically and emotionally. The last couple of days had been intense, to say the very least.

Edward glared at me, and I didn't miss the whirlwind of emotions flashing in his eyes - anger, guilt, fear and pain, all mixed together, and my frustration at his cold behavior instantly got replaced with sympathy. "Can we talk in the other room, please?" I asked quietly, willing him with my eyes to see that I wasn't mad at him, but that I'd had enough of the silent treatment.

Clearly realizing I was serious, he muttered something in response before wordlessly following me out of the kitchen. Once we were out of earshot in my office, I sat down and patted the couch next to me, not surprised when he remained standing by the door. I sighed. "All right, son, Esme and I both realize you're not happy with us right now. Unfortunately, we don't have much choice."

He swallowed visibly, but didn't say anything. I continued, "I've explained to you that this social worker is coming back here next week, and she's going to want to talk to you again. Now I know you didn't feel comfortable around her last time, and I'm sorry about that, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, Edward. The Social Services have rules we must follow if we want you to stay here with us."

I watched how his bottom lip trembled and he quickly averted his eyes, mumbling something I couldn't make out. "Edward?" I asked softly, silently begging him to let me in, to open up to me.

"I want to stay," he whispered, still refusing to look at me.

I nodded, relieved by his admission. "Then we'll do whatever it takes to make sure you will." 

**oOoOoOo**

I hung up the phone with a sigh, leaning back in the chair. This was no news to me - I had known Edward wasn't responding to any kind of therapy for years, but just because I was aware of the problem didn't make it any easier to hear, week after week, that no progress had been made.

There were times when I wondered why I kept insisting on putting him through all these therapy sessions. Not only did Edward detest it - he never complained out loud but that much was fairly obvious - but my main reason for doubting was the fact that it clearly wasn't working. It pained me to admit it, but that was the truth.

Still, I downright refused to give up. I had to believe that one day I would find a therapist capable of getting through to Edward. Almost four years had passed, and he still wouldn't let anyone touch him, nor would he let any of us in emotionally. There were small glimpses of hope every once in a while, when he would offer me or Esme some kind of information about his past, but it never lasted very long.

Sometimes his walls of protection seemed to waver, and I felt like I was able to get a little closer. I knew Edward trusted me in a way, but it was just never enough. He needed help to deal with his demons, but the sad part was that he was incapable of accepting it. And I didn't know what more I could do.

I heard the front door open and then close with a loud slam, which I took as a sign that Edward was home. He had been even more edgy and easily provoked than usual lately, and I had noticed how both Alice and Emmett seemed to be walking on egg shells around him these days.

Edward was already halfway up the stairs when I stepped out of my office and I assumed he would just continue without acknowledging me, but to my surprise, he cast a look over his shoulder and stopped, somewhat uncertainly. "Hey," he mumbled then, running a hand through his untidy hair.

"Hello, son," I responded with a nod, watching how his eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything. "How was your day?"

He shrugged. "Just the same old shit."

I just nodded, not bothering to chide him for his foul language as I kept telling myself it was just a phase he was going through. "Care to elaborate a little? I would like to hear about it."

For a moment he eyed me skeptically, and I thought I saw some of his resolve break, if only for a second, but then his face hardened. "Why don't you just ask me what you really want to know and save us both some time?"

I shook my head. "I assure you, I only ask out of genuine interest and concern."

He rolled his eyes. "Then save your concern for someone who actually needs it." When I didn't respond, just looked at him silently, he lowered his eyes in shame. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It's all right." I was used to his mood swings and outbursts by now, and it seemed like half of the time he wasn't even aware of lashing out until it was already too late. I could handle it, but his behavior had gotten him in trouble at school on more than one occasion.

When he had first started acting out, I hadn't been all that worried. In fact, I was almost more relieved, because he finally seemed to release some of that pent up rage I knew he was carrying inside. But as the time passed, I got the feeling it wasn't really doing him any good in the long run, since his anger only seemed to grow stronger each day.

"You know I care about you," I went on, both pleased and relieved when he nodded after a brief moment's hesitation. "I wish you'd talk to me, but I'm not going to force you. Just remember that you can always come to me if something's bothering you."

He was quiet for a couple of seconds, his expression thoughtful, as if he was seriously considering my offer. But then he looked away. "I've got homework," he stated in a flat voice, and I realized I had lost him again.

"Of course." I tried not to sound disappointed, but it was hard, because I felt like I had been so close. "You go ahead. I'll see you at dinner." He nodded and disappeared up the stairs without another word. 

**oOoOoOo**

"Hi, Dad." Alice smiled widely as she all but skipped into the room, plonking herself down next to me.

I closed the book I had been reading and put it down. "Hi, sweetheart. How was school?"

"It was great!" I had to smile at her enthusiasm - of all the kids, Alice was the only one who would sound so excited about school. But then again, I suspected it had more to do with a certain boy than with her classes. My smile faded a little, although I put on my most encouraging expression as she went on breathlessly, "I made a new friend. It's a new girl who just moved to Forks."

"That's wonderful." This time, my smile almost mirrored hers. Alice didn't seem to have many close friends, which used to worry me a little, but she had assured me she was just very picky about who she would hang out with. There was that one girl who Emmett was so smitten with - Rosalie Hale - but aside from her, Alice rarely brought any friends over.

I was just about to ask her more about this new girl when the front door opened and Edward stomped inside with a scowl on his face, his expression a clear contrast to Alice's happy visage.

"Is something wrong?" I asked carefully, watching how he strode past us heading for the stairs. He muttered something that sounded like 'yeah, my fucking life', but I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. There were days - which seemed to come more and more often - when Edward reminded me of a ticking time bomb and you never knew what would set him off.

It was almost frightening how hostile he had become of late. He was seventeen now and had been living with us for over six years. Sadly, his rebellious behavior had only gotten worse as the years passed, and these days, he was almost completely out of control. It pained me deeply to finally be forced to admit that I was failing - I couldn't help him.

The thick smell of smoke lingered in the air after Edward was gone. I sighed, having hoped I was only imagining it the other day. Closing my eyes for a moment, I then turned to Alice. "Did you know your brother was smoking?" The guilty look on her face was all the answer I needed.

"I don't think he's doing it much, though," she offered, as if that would make me feel better. Of course, I figured I should be grateful it was just regular cigarettes and nothing stronger. The thought of heavy drugs and alcohol flashed through my head and I felt a shiver run down my spine. I knew in that moment that I would have a serious talk with Edward tonight, no matter what mood he was in.

Pushing all disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind for now, I tried to turn my focus back to what Alice and I had been talking about before Edward came home. "So, tell me more about your new friend."

"Sure." Her face brightened again. "I just know we're going to be the best of friends and you're all going to love her. I'm inviting her to the slumber party Rose and I are having this weekend, that way you can all meet her. She's really nice." She paused to catch her breath. "Oh, and her name is Bella."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: To everyone who have left me reviews and sent me encouraging PM:s so far - thank you so much! I've read and appreciate every single one.**

**oOoOoOo**

**Emmett**

The first thing I noticed about Edward was that he wouldn't look any of us in the eyes. He just stood there looking lost, and I kind of felt bad for him. I tried to imagine what it would be like to move into a house full of strangers, and it had to be pretty scary.

Dad kept rambling on and on about all sort of things, but I wished he would just stop talking so I could show Edward all the cool stuff up in my room. I had gotten a new video game the other day and I couldn't wait to have someone to play with. Dad never had time and Alice was completely worthless when it came to playing.

And Mom, well, she didn't even like me playing those games in the first place. She said they were too violent. Hello? That was the whole point!

"Edward, you have to see your room!" Alice started jumping up and down and I glanced at Dad, hoping he would take the hint and let us go upstairs. When he nodded in agreement, I sighed in relief, because my patience was up.

"Let's go, come on!" I eagerly moved to grab Edward's arm, but he gasped and snatched it away before I could touch him, stumbling back and looking at me with fear in his eyes, as if I had been about to punch him or something.

"Emmett," Dad said with disapproval in his voice, and I turned to stare at him.

"What? I didn't do anything," I protested, turning back to Edward in confusion. "I wasn't going to hurt you." He just ducked his head, looking ashamed. I noticed Alice glaring at me, so I glared right back. What was her problem, anyway?

Dad sighed. "All right, that's enough. Why don't we show Edward the rest of the house?" Alice perked up at that, running ahead of us. As I moved to follow, Dad put his hand on my shoulder. "Just wait a minute, Emmett, I'd like to have a word with you. Esme?" He looked at Mom, nodding towards the stairs. "Do you mind? We'll be right with you."

She nodded. "Of course. Come on, Edward - Alice and I will show you where you'll be sleeping tonight." The three of them disappeared upstairs.

I braced myself for an earful, only I wasn't exactly sure why. "Dad, I didn't mean to-"

He interrupted me. "I'm not mad at you, son. But there is one thing you need to remember. I explained to you and Alice how Edward doesn't like when people touch him. It makes him uneasy, and he doesn't know how to handle it. We need to make sure he feels comfortable here with us. Do you understand?"

I nodded, feeling kind of stupid. "I forgot. I'm sorry."

"It's all right." He patted my shoulder. "Let's go find the others." I nodded again, following him up the stairs.

**oOoOoOo**

I sat up in bed with a start, feeling my heart beating faster at the sound of screaming coming from across the hall. Rubbing my eyes, I looked at the alarm clock. It was not even one in the morning. I jumped out of bed and quickly padded across the room, quietly opening the door and peeking out.

Mom was standing in the doorway to Edward's room, dressed in her robe and slippers. I was careful not to make any noise but she must have sensed me anyway, seeing how she turned around as I slipped out of my room and tentatively started towards her. That was when I noticed the tears trickling down her face. "Mom, what's going on?"

She quickly wiped her eyes, taking a hesitant step in my direction. "Everything's all right, honey. Just go back to bed."

I could hear Dad's muffled voice from inside of Edward's room and turned back to Mom again. "But you're crying. Is something wrong with Edward? Why was he screaming like that?"

She glanced over her shoulder before turning back to me. "Edward was just having a bad dream. He's okay." I opened my mouth, but she raised a hand to stop me. "It's late, Emmett. You really should go back to sleep."

I didn't want to go back to sleep - I wanted to wait for Dad and find out what happened, but I knew there was no point in arguing. "Fine," I muttered, reluctantly heading back to my room. I was startled to find Alice sitting cross-legged in my bed, and realized she must have slipped past me and Mom while we were talking. My sister was an expert at sneaking.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered angrily, not wanting Mom to hear. "Go back to your room!"

She ignored me, leaning back against the headboard. "Something horrible happened to Edward."

I sighed and shook my head as I sat down on the bed. "Mom said he was fine. He just had a nightmare."

"Not tonight, stupid!" She rolled her eyes at me. I really hated when she did that. "Before he came here. Something really, really bad."

"Well, duh!" I looked at her incredulously. "We already know that. That's why he came to live with us, remember? He couldn't stay in Chicago because his dad was abusing him. You know what that means. He was hitting him."

Alice sat up straight. "It was his stepfather, not his real dad." I just shrugged, too tired to care about the difference. She was quiet for a moment. "How can a grown-up hit a child?"

I shrugged again, not knowing what to tell her. "It happens sometimes, I guess."

She wasn't pleased with my answer. "That's awful! And why didn't Edward's mom stop him?"

I was actually wondering the same thing. "There are a lot of bad people out there, Alice. You know that. Dad said Edward's mom was sick. That's why she couldn't take care of him. Why are you asking me about all this, anyway? I don't know any more than you do. Can you just go back to your room? It's the middle of the night and I wanna sleep."

Of course, she didn't move an inch. "Yes, Emmett, I know there are bad people. I'm not stupid. And by the way, that's not what I meant when I said something horrible happened. Do you wanna know what I think?"

"No," I said, knowing it wouldn't stop her. I was right.

"I think it was more than that," she whispered, looking me straight in the eyes. "I think Edward's stepdad didn't just hit him. I think it was much, much worse."

Something in her voice sent a chill down my spine, although I didn't understand why. "Worse? What could be worse than getting beaten by your own dad?"

_"Stepdad"_, she corrected, giving me an annoyed look. "And I don't know. It's just a feeling."

I sighed. "Well, you're ten. You don't know what you're talking about. Now please go. I'm going back to sleep." I thought she was going to object, but to my relief, she just huffed and got up. "Close the door after you," I called out quietly as I slipped back under the covers.

**oOoOoOo**

"Do you kids have any plans for today?" Mom asked after breakfast.

"I was gonna try out my new baseball mitt." I gulped down the rest of my milk. Then I threw a hopeful look at Edward. "You wanna come? You can be the pitcher."

He looked surprised, but shook his head. "Um... no thanks."

"Fine. Whatever." I tried not to let my disappointment show. To be honest, I hadn't really expected him to say yes. Edward had been living with us for almost six months now, and I had learned pretty quickly that he never wanted to do anything I suggested. It sucked. What was the point in having a brother if we couldn't hang out and do stuff?

"I'll go with you, Em," Alice offered. I knew she was just trying to be nice, but I was in no mood to appreciate it.

So I shook my head with a grimace. "No way, you throw like a girl." Her face fell and she looked hurt. I instantly felt bad. "Fine. You can come if you want." Her face brightened.

"Why don't you join them, Edward?" Mom tried as she was loading the dishwasher. "I'm sure it'll be fun."

He shrank back in his seat, looking uncomfortable. "I don't wanna go."

"Okay, well, it was just an idea." Mom smiled softly. "It's completely up to you."

Edward looked relieved, and I forced back a loud sigh.

Yeah, it definitely sucked.

**oOoOoOo**

It was only three-thirty in the morning, but something had woken me up and now I couldn't go back to sleep. The house was silent as I left my room and quietly headed for the stairs, deciding to go see if there was any pizza from last night left in the fridge. What could I say? I was forteen and growing - I was always hungry.

Halfway down the stairs, I spotted Edward on the couch, his head resting back against the cushion and his arms wrapped tightly around himself. The room was dark and the TV was off, and for a moment I wondered if he might be asleep, but as I carefully moved closer, I realized his eyes were open.

I hesitated a little, not wanting to startle him and risk waking the entire house. So I cleared my throat softly.

"Hey," I whispered when his head immediately shot up in alarm. "It's just me." I thought I saw him relax a little, but the only response I got was a brief nod. "Can't sleep either?"

"Something like that," he mumbled.

"Same here." I thought for a moment. "Wanna watch some TV? Of course, we'll have to turn the sound off so Mom and Dad won't hear." He shrugged, which I took as a yes, so I slumped down on the couch and grabbed the remote. "Let's see what's on." I liked watching TV at night when the rest of the family were sleeping. For one thing, I didn't have to fight anyone for the remote.

Flipping through the channels, I settled for some action movie I was pretty sure would have Mom shake her head in disapproval. I glanced at Edward. "This one okay?" He just mumbled something, and I got the feeling he didn't really care what was on the screen.

I shrugged and was about to turn my attention back to the movie when I noticed his eyes were red-rimmed, as if he had been crying. He must have seen me staring, because he quickly looked away. I nervously scratched the back of my neck. "You all right?"

Edward seemed a little startled by my question but quickly covered up, suddenly very interested in the movie. "Yeah, sure."

I wasn't convinced, but decided to let it go. "Okay." For the next five minutes or so, neither of us said anything. But the TV could only hold my interest for so long, and pretty soon, my curiosity got the best of me. "Do you ever miss your mom?"

"What?" I could see him tense up as he turned to look at me. "Why do you ask?" Suddenly he sounded angry.

"I was just wondering." I started to feel stupid. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. But the way I saw it, he never talked about his life before he came here, and both Mom and Dad were pretty tight-lipped whenever Edward was involved - even though he had lived with us for more than a year. So I figured that if I wanted to know anything, my only option was to ask him myself.

Obviously, it had been a bad idea.

"It's none of your business!" Edward glared at me. "Don't ask me that again!"

I was stunned by his outburst. It was the first time I had seen him mad - normally he was just quiet and guarded, acting almost intimidated around me. Maybe I had been out of line, but I hadn't meant to upset him, and I didn't like his hostile tone. Who did he think he was, anyway? I had just asked an innocent question - there was no need to bite my head off.

"You better watch it," I warned, crossing my arms over my chest. "If you're being rude to me again, I'll tell Dad, and he'll send you right back to Chicago." The words were out of my mouth before I realized the meaning of what I had just said, and I instantly regretted them. I was just pissed off, and to be honest, a little embarrassed. So naturally, I wasn't thinking.

I watched how Edward turned pale at my words and a look of horror flashed across his face. Suddenly I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. "Look, I'm..." I began hesitantly, but he was off the couch and gone before I got the chance to tell him I didn't mean it. "...sorry," I finished guiltily, knowing perfectly well he wouldn't hear me.

Shit! Why did I say that?

For a moment, I considered going after him, hoping for a chance to make things right. But then I decided it could wait until morning. I would talk to him then. Or maybe I didn't have to. After all, it couldn't be that big a deal, right? Edward had to understand it had just been an empty threat - Dad would never do something like that.

The truth was, I just wanted to forget the whole thing.

**oOoOoOo**

I knew I'd be in a shit load of trouble if Mom or Dad caught me with this, but for the moment, I couldn't care less. Good thing I had my own TV up in my room. I had turned the sound down as much as I could without switching to mute, and just to be on the safe side, I had also locked the door.

It might have been smarter to do this when my parents weren't home, but I was too excited and impatient to wait. I had borrowed the movie from Felix - a guy at school - who used to brag about how he watched these kind of things all the time. All my friends seemed impressed by that, and since I didn't want them to think I was a wuss, I had hinted that I had watched my own fair share of porn.

Which, of course, was a big fat lie. But that didn't mean I wasn't curious.

My eyes were glued to the screen as I watched a really hot chick sprawled on her back in a large bed. She threw her head back and moaned as the guy next to her started licking and sucking on her tits -which were huge! And did I mention they were both naked? Man, this was so cool!

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and I froze dead in my tracks, fumbling desperately for the remote. I quickly paused the movie and turned the TV off, then took a couple of deep breaths and put on my best innocent face as I went to open the door.

I was relieved when I saw it was just Edward on the other side. Thank God it wasn't Mom! I grinned. "Come in and close the door. You've gotta see this!" I spun around and went to turn the TV back on. He took a step inside but remained awkwardly by the door, so I motioned for him to come closer.

"What are you doing?" he asked quietly.

"I'll show you. It's awesome!" A thought occurred to me and I hurried to add, "But don't even think about telling Mom and Dad, or I'll kill you." I was pleased when he nodded in agreement, and pressed the pause button on the remote. It didn't take long before I was once again lost in the world of strange positions and boobs. "Isn't it cool?" I asked eagerly. All of a sudden it was very hot in the room.

When Edward didn't respond, I turned to give him a questioning look. His eyes were locked on the screen just as mine had been, but unlike me, he looked far from excited. In fact, he suddenly looked very pale. "What's wrong?" I asked warily, noticing how his face now had taken an alarmingly greenish color.

And then he doubled over and threw up.

"Edward?" I jumped up from the floor, the movie completely forgotten. When he dropped to his knees and started shaking and dry heaving, I panicked. "Dad!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Dad, get up here! Edward's sick!"

It only took a few seconds before Dad came storming into the room with Mom following right behind him. He took one look at Edward and instantly crouched down on the floor next to him. "Edward, are you all right? What happened?"

That was when I heard Mom gasp, and my head shot up in alarm. She was staring at the TV. _Oh shit!_ "Emmett Cullen! What are you _watching_?"

Oh, yeah. I was in big trouble.

**oOoOoOo**

Dad didn't get mad very often, but it was almost worse to see the look of disappointment in his eyes when I knew I had screwed up. Hell, scratch 'almost'. I cast a longing look at the door, knowing it would be a while before I got to leave the office. Feeling his eyes on me, I gulped nervously, waiting for him to let me have it.

"Your mother told me what happened at school today." When I didn't respond, he sighed. "Talk to me, son. You punched a younger boy in the face. What were you thinking?"

I shrugged, because to be honest, I hadn't really been thinking at all. Still, I couldn't say I felt bad about what I had done. The guy was an ass and he deserved it. But somehow, I suspected Dad wouldn't see things that way. "It was an accident?" I mumbled, wondering if he would buy it. Probably not.

"An accident?" He pinched the bridge of his nose in that way he always did whenever he got frustrated. "Are you saying you slipped and landed with your fist on Michael Newton's nose?"

"Well, stranger things have happened," I muttered.

"Emmett..." Dad sounded annoyed.

"Fine - I hit him on purpose. And now I'm suspended for two days." I raised my head. "I take it I'm grounded as well."

He was quiet for a moment. "I haven't decided yet. Why don't you tell me the whole story, and then we'll see."

I was afraid he would say that. "Actually, I'd rather you just ground me." The look on Dad's face told me he'd had enough of my bullshit, so I let out a huff. "It was his fault. I got mad."

"I see. Well, I'm afraid that explanation is not good enough. Emmett, you can't go around hitting people just because they make you angry." He paused. "Does it happen to have anything to do with Edward?"

I tensed up in alarm. "Why do you ask?"

"When I called Principal Greene, he informed me that this Newton boy tripped Edward outside a classroom this morning. Apparently, he claims it was unintentional." Dad watched me closely. "And you don't look very surprised when I tell you this."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I lied, refusing to meet his eyes.

Unintentional, my ass! Of course, it wouldn't really matter to me even if it was. Since I was sixteen and a year older, I didn't have any classes with Mike Newton, and I couldn't say I knew him that well. But Alice had told me all about how he would make crude comments behind Edward's back, so I was pretty certain the incident this morning had not been an accident.

Hence the ass-kicking. Rumors traveled fast in Forks.

I didn't want Edward to find out what I had done, though. It wasn't like he would appreciate it, anyway, since he barely spoke to me as it was.

"Listen to me." Dad leaned forward in his seat. "If you're telling me you got in a fight because you were standing up for your brother, I can empathize. I would even go as far as to say that - within a reasonable extent - I'm proud of you. But that doesn't make it all right. I like to think I've raised you better than that, son. Violence is never the answer."

"I know, Dad. I'm sorry." I hung my head in shame, hating when he pulled the 'I've raised you better' card on me. It made me feel really guilty, and I didn't like it. Mostly because he was right.

I probably shouldn't even have bothered in the first place.

**oOoOoOo**

"I'm telling you, Em, Lauren Mallory has the hots for you." Alice giggled as I let out a snort of disgust. "She looves you!"

"Of course she does. What's not to love?" I puffed up my chest in mock vanity. "Doesn't mean I'd touch her with a ten foot pole."

Alice snickered. "Good to know. You might want to let Lauren in on your feelings, though, to save you both from embarrassment. I happen to know she's planning on asking you to the Sadie Hawkins dance next month."

I shook my head in annoyance, really hoping she was wrong. "How can you possibly know these things? You always say you never listen to gossip."

"I don't." She smiled. "Didn't I tell you? I can see into the future." I rolled my eyes at her lame joke. "Oh, and I know someone else who likes you as well."

"You mean aside from the biggest slut in town?" I raised a brow, trying to act indifferent. The truth was, I'd had my eyes set on this new girl at school - Rosalie - since I first spotted her a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, the same went for the rest of the male population at Forks High, with one exception.

"Hi, Edward," Alice chirped in the next moment. _Speak of the devil..._I watched how he just grunted something in response as he stepped past us, not even looking in her direction, and I felt my irritation grow. Alice didn't seem all that offended, though. She would always make an effort to pull Edward into the conversation and try getting him to hang out with us, while I had long since given up.

Her expression was thoughtful as her eyes lingered on Edward for a moment, but then she seemed to snap out of it and turned back to me. "Oh, sorry, I got sidetracked. The girl who likes you? It's Rosalie Hale."

I thought I saw Edward tense up at the name Rosalie, but I couldn't be certain. Either way, I forgot all about him the second Alice's words registered in my brain. "Really?" I grinned widely. It seemed almost too good to be true, but I doubted Alice would lie to me. She always said it like she saw it - straight to the point.

"Rosalie Hale is a fucking bitch," Edward muttered as he popped open a can of soda and took a sip. When I turned to stare at him, I noticed he looked most uncomfortable, like he hadn't meant to say anything out loud. Well, that didn't placate the anger bubbling up inside me.

"You don't know her," I growled, glaring daggers at him. He just shrugged and looked away, which only made me angrier. I folded my arms across my chest. "I'm willing to bet you've never even talked to her. So what the hell gives you the right to say shit like that?"

"Emmett..." Alice mumbled warningly, and I turned to give her an incredulous look. I really hated when people said my name like that, like I had done something wrong.

"What?" I demanded. She just shook her head, glancing nervously between me and Edward.

I was seething. Why was I always the bad guy here? Edward was the one being an ass. But somehow, that little fact seemed to be completely lost on Alice and my parents.

It just wasn't fair.

**oOoOoOo**

"Look! That's the new girl over there - Chief Swan's daughter." Alice eagerly pointed across the room as a girl with long, brown hair entered the cafeteria. "Her name's Bella. I heard she's just moved here from Arizona." We all followed her gaze.

Rosalie was the first to look away, taking a bite of her apple with a bored expression on her face. "Seriously, I don't see what all the fuss is about. The whole school is talking about her, like she's some celebrity or something. She's not even that pretty."

"You're just jealous, babe," I teased, picking up a slice of pizza from my tray. She glared at me, and I had to suppress a chuckle. My girlfriend was always so predictable. "Not that you have any reason to be," I assured her, leaning in to press a sloppy kiss to her cheek. Rose grimaced and tried to look annoyed, but I wasn't fooled. We'd been together for almost six months now, and I knew she loved me.

"She looks uncomfortable," Jasper noted. I had to agree. Practically everyone in the cafeteria was staring at the poor new girl by now. Her cheeks were bright red and she looked like she just wanted to crawl into a whole and hide. It was painfully obvious that she didn't like the attention one bit.

"Hey, Em?" Alice nibbled at her sandwich. "Did you see-"

"No," I cut her off, knowing she was going to ask if I had seen Edward since this morning. He never sat his foot in the cafeteria, but that didn't stop Alice from keep trying to persuade him to join us at lunch every day. It made me more than a little irritated with her. Why couldn't she just accept the fact that Edward wanted absolutely nothing to do with us, like I had?

"He must be so lonely," Alice mumbled, a sad note in her voice. I just rolled my eyes, not bothering to respond. If I had, it wouldn't be very nice, and she would just get pissed at me.

It was safe to say that Edward and I didn't get along at all. Not that we had ever been close or anything, but we could barely be in the same room without ending up arguing about some shit. Of course, Edward didn't really get along with anyone, and his temper these days was downright horrid. Not a day went by without him throwing a tantrum about something.

Mom and Dad had been fighting a lot lately, although I knew they tried to hide it from us. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Edward's obnoxious behavior affected all of us, one way or another. A part of me hated him for it. If it hadn't been for us, if Mom and Dad hadn't chosen to adopt him, he would probably still be in Chicago. So would it kill him to just show some fucking gratitude?

But more than anything, I was disappointed. Deep down, I had thought of Edward as my brother since day one, and while I would never admit it out loud, it really hurt me that he wouldn't give me the time of day. It was beyond frustrating, and I wondered if Edward ever got tired of acting like an ass all the time, or if he just didn't care.

Oh, well, if that's how he wanted it, I could be a jerk as well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Esme**

I was scared out of my mind. I didn't like to admit it, but when Carlisle opened the door and silently reached for my hand, telling me without words to follow him into the small hospital room where I would meet Edward for the very first time, all I felt was pure fear.

What if I couldn't do this? I had already let so many people down over the last year. My husband, my kids - Alice, Emmett, and our sweet unborn child who didn't even get to see the light of day. I had failed all of them because of my weakness. Not to mention that I had failed myself.

And now I was absolutely terrified that I would end up failing this boy as well. He hadn't even seen me in person yet, and still, somehow, he was already depending on me. This meeting today was simply a formality - all the arrangements had already been made. We were taking him into our home, into our hearts, and there was only one single thought that kept running through my mind, over and over again.

What if I wasn't strong enough to give him what he needed? What if I didn't have it in me? God knew I had pushed my family away and selfishly ignored my responsibilities before.

But maybe this was my chance to make things right. If I could help this poor, damaged boy who had been hurt and abandoned by those who should have loved and cared for him unconditionally, then maybe I would finally be able to let go of the guilt and live with myself.

We were doing the right thing - I just knew it. Even so, I was still afraid. But I just had to remind myself to put my own fears aside, because at the end of the day, this wasn't really about me. It was all about the boy on the other side of the door. So I took a deep breath, and stepped inside.

Carlisle had warned me that Edward would be in a bad condition, and I had tried to prepare myself for the worst. But that didn't keep my heart from aching when I saw him in that hospital bed. He just looked so small and vulnerable, and I felt an instant need to protect him.

I could see traces of healing cuts and bruises covering most of his face and arms, and I felt a sickening sensation in my stomach when I thought about how he must have looked the day he was first brought in. But I somehow managed a smile, because he was looking in my direction and I could see him watching me with a mixture of uneasiness and reservation.

When Carlisle softly cleared his throat and gave me a nod of encouragement, I took a tentative step forward. "Hi, Edward, I'm Esme - Carlisle's wife. It's very nice to meet you." He didn't respond, and I remembered my husband telling me that he didn't talk much. I hesitated a little. "Well, we are so happy you're going to be living with us. I really hope you'll like it in Forks."

Edward glanced at Carlisle, then looked back at me and swallowed. "Forks is far away from here, right?" he finally asked, almost in a whisper. I was a bit taken aback, having not really expected him to say anything, let alone ask a question, but I quickly recovered.

"Yes, it's in Washington, and it's about 1800 miles from here," I told him carefully, not sure how he would react to the news. But he just nodded, and I wondered what kind of thoughts were going through his mind in that moment. He seemed anxious and guarded, but at the same time accepting and almost relieved, and I suddenly got the feeling he actually welcomed the idea of getting as far away as possible.

I figured it made sense after what he had been through.

It also broke my heart. 

**oOoOoOo**

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly, because I could hear the strain in his voice, even though I knew he was trying to hide it from me.

"I just got a call from school." Carlisle sighed. "It happened again, and I need you to go pick him up. I'm sorry - I'd go myself, but-"

"Don't be ridiculous," I cut him off, trying to suppress my growing irritation. "You're at work - there's no reason for you to leave when I'm just sitting here at home. We've already been through this. I'll go get Edward." He didn't respond right away, which only made me angrier. "What? Don't you trust me with him? After all this time, you still don't think I can handle it?"

"That's not true, Esme, and you know it." He started to sound annoyed as well. "All I'm saying-"

"Whatever, Carlisle. I've got to go - I don't want to keep Edward waiting any longer than necessary." With that I hung up the phone, sighing loudly as I grabbed my car keys and headed for the door. I felt bad for snapping at him, but sometimes he made me so frustrated. Although he kept denying it, I knew I was right - my husband didn't trust me completely.

And the worst part was that I couldn't really blame him. I had brought this on myself.

There was a time when I had been in such a dark place that I couldn't see any other way out. I just wanted the pain to stop, and for a brief moment, dying had seemed like the only option. Thinking back now, I realized how incredibly selfish I had been. Carlisle had suffered the loss of our child as well, and I didn't even think twice about what losing me too would do to him, or to the children.

Thankfully I had failed. But now I had to live with the fact that I had hurt the man I loved beyond repair. Carlisle still loved me - I didn't doubt that. But I also knew there was a part of him that would never be able to truly forgive me. At least Alice and Emmett didn't know the truth - I didn't think I could bear seeing the disappointment in their eyes as well.

Edward had entered our lives as a most welcome distraction, and I finally felt like my life had been given new meaning - suddenly my own pain didn't seem as significant anymore. It was still there, but I was able to put it behind me and move on, focusing on the present instead of dwelling on the past. Edward needed me, and I was willing to do whatever I could to make him feel loved, safe and happy.

That was if he would just let me.

School had turned out to be a lot harder than any of us could have predicted. Edward was having serious problems adjusting, and he seemed to have developed some kind of social phobia that made him panic whenever someone got too close. He couldn't handle crowded places, and when it became too much for him, he would simply black out. It was downright gut-wrenching to witness his episodes.

And apparently, there had just been another incident. Carlisle had firmly insisted the school would inform us immediately when it happened so one of us could come pick Edward up and take him home. But when he said 'us', I had a feeling he had actually meant himself. I couldn't deny that I had a harder time dealing with Edward's episodes than Carlisle, but that didn't mean I wasn't trying.

Edward was gloomy and quiet as I gently ushered him into the house about half an hour later, and he hadn't said a word in the car on the way back. Still, he had looked relieved when he saw me and realized I had come to bring him home. It broke my heart that he was having such a hard time, and I didn't know how to help him.

"I don't know about you, but I'm kind of hungry." I went over to the fridge. "How about I'll make us some sandwiches? Oh, and maybe some hot chocolate. You like that, right?" He nodded, so I quickly gathered everything I needed and started preparing our snack. I had made a batch of chocolate chip cookies this morning, so I grabbed a few of them as well.

I didn't miss how Edward eyed the cookies with interest, but instead of reaching for one right away, he picked up the ham and cheese sandwich I had put down in front of him and took a big bite. It didn't take long before he had finished it. In fact, he always seemed hungry when he got home from school. At least there was nothing wrong with his appetite.

"Would you like to talk about what happened at school?" I asked softly as he reached for a cookie. He tensed up and gave me a worried look, but remained silent. Maybe I should have just let it go, but I wanted him to know that he could confide in me. "Did someone say or do anything to you? Any of the other kids?"

Edward shook his head, putting the cookie down on the table in front of him. "No. I just..." He averted his eyes, clearly uncomfortable.

I didn't want to keep pushing him, but I couldn't just let the matter drop, either. "What, sweetie? You can tell me."

He glanced at me briefly, then looked away again. "It's nothing." I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could say anything, "Can I go upstairs? I've got homework."

"Oh, of course." I hesitated a little. "Do you want some help? I've got time before I have to start with dinner." He shook his head, and I tried to hold back my disappointment when he quickly got up and left the kitchen. I told myself that it didn't have anything to do with me - he was just used to doing things by himself. Something told me his mother had never volunteered to help him with his homework.

Well, I would just have to give him some time. Surely it wouldn't take too long for Edward to see that I was more than happy to be there for him in any way I could.

Right? 

**oOoOoOo**

"Emmett, stop it, give it to me! Mom! Mom!"

I almost dropped the large bowl of popcorn I was carrying as I rushed into the living room. Emmett was standing on the couch with the remote to the DVD player in his hand, waving it in the air out of Alice's reach and laughing obnoxiously as she tried in vain to take it from him. I sighed. "What's going on here?"

"Mom, Emmett won't give me the remote and it's my turn to pick the movie!" Alice stomped her foot angrily. "Tell him to stop being a jerk."

"Alice, please, watch your language. And Emmett, stop teasing your sister." I shook my head in exasperation. They both mumbled an apology and Emmett quickly sat down, handing the remote to Alice. I put the bowl down on the coffee table and Emmett immediately dove for it like he was starving and we hadn't just eaten dinner ten minutes ago.

Edward had been quiet the whole time, but I noticed how his eyes had darted between Alice and Emmett as he silently watched their banter. The two of them would tease each other all the time, and I figured it would take some time for Edward to get used to it, seeing how he had always been an only child.

Carlisle was working late, so I had suggested a movie night, thinking it would be nice to do something together with the kids. They were growing up so fast, and I feared it was just a matter of time before they would consider themselves too old to hang out with their parents on a Friday night. At least so far no one seemed to mind my company. And I planned to enjoy it for as long as I could.

Things were nice and quiet for about twenty minutes as all three kids seemed completely engrossed in the movie. Then the comfortable silence was broken as Alice swatted Emmett lightly on the arm. "Emmett, quit hogging the bowl! Save some for the rest of us!" She pushed his hand away and reached into the bowl, grabbing a handful of greasy popcorn.

"Sorry, jeez!" Emmett scowled at her. Then he turned to Edward who was sitting by himself in one of the arm chairs. "Here, want some?" Edward gasped and nearly jumped a mile, having clearly been focused on the movie and was obviously startled by Emmett practically shoving the bowl in his face.

Emmett's eyes widened in alarm as Edward instinctively squeezed his eyes shut and ducked his head, shrinking back into the chair with his hands protectively in front of his face. I shot Emmett a look of disapproval, but he already looked so guilty and ashamed that I didn't have the heart to scold him, especially since it clearly had been unintentional. He just had a way of acting first and thinking later.

So instead I quickly moved over to Edward, crouching down next to him and placing my hand on his arm. "It's okay, sweetie, Emmett didn't mean-" That was how far I got before he was already out of his seat and across the room.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled, backing up against the wall. I was up before I even realized I had moved, holding up my hands in what I hoped to be a non-threatening gesture. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt a huge lump form in my throat as I desperately tried to remember how Carlisle usually handled these kind of situations.

"Mom?" Alice sounded close to tears, but I just waved her off, even though it hurt my heart to ignore her. Right now, Edward was my priority.

"Edward, honey, listen to me..." My voice trailed off when he stared at me with panic in his eyes, as if he was just bracing himself for the pain. It wasn't the first time he had reacted this way, and I knew Carlisle had given me thorough instructions what to do if it happened while he wasn't around, but suddenly my mind was blank and I was at a complete loss.

I watched helplessly how Edward slid down to the floor, his eyes clouding over, and I felt like he was looking straight through me at something in the distance that only he could see. Letting out a trembling breath, I approached him very slowly, only to stop a few feet away, because I was terrified of agitating him any further.

Luckily, in that moment, the front door opened and my husband stepped into the house. I don't remember ever being so relieved to see him before and I felt my eyes tear up. "Carlisle," I whispered, a pleading note in my voice as I was silently begging him to step in and make things all right.

He took one look at Edward's huddled form on the floor and jumped into action right away. I somehow managed to snap out of the daze and quickly sent Alice and Emmett upstairs. Then I slipped out of the room and into the kitchen, leaving him to deal with Edward best he could, because unlike myself, I trusted Carlisle to be able to calm him down and bring him back to the present.

All I could do was cry. 

**oOoOoOo**

"Asshole."

"Dickhead."

"Fuckwit."

"Cocksucker."

I gasped loudly at the foul and horrendous words coming out of my boys mouths. "Emmett and Edward Cullen, stop that right now!" I was absolutely livid. Both of them startled and spun around, having obviously not heard me enter the room.

Emmett gulped, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Oh. Um, hi, Mom. What's up?"

"Don't 'hi, Mom' me and don't you dare give me that innocent look, young man," I warned, still fuming. "I want to know what in the world you two mean by calling each other such awful names." They both just looked at me blankly. "Well?" I demanded.

Edward lowered his eyes in shame. "It wasn't-"

Emmett cut him off, "We weren't actually saying it to each other. We were just..." he hung his head, clearly embarrassed by getting caught. "It was just a game. We were trying to see who could come up with the biggest insult." He paused before adding thoughtfully, "Think it was a tie."

For a moment, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Why was it that when the two of them finally seemed to bond, it had to be over something so vile? I shook my head in disgust. "Really, Emmett? That's just horrible. Was it your idea? You should be ashamed of yourself."

His mouth fell open. "Hey, that's not fair! Why do you automatically assume it was my idea? Maybe Edward's the one who started it." I glanced over at Edward, who looked like he wanted to just crawl under the nearest rock and hide.

"Edward?" He turned to look at me with fear in his eyes, and I struggled to keep my voice as calm as I could, "Was it your idea? I'm not angry, but I want the truth, because this is just not acceptable."

He swallowed and quickly shook his head. "It was Emmett's idea. I just went along with it." I could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"Well, thank you for being honest." I sighed. "All right, as happy as I am to see you two getting along, you better find some less offensive game to play the next time. Have I made myself clear?" Both boys nodded in acceptance, although Emmett still looked slightly put out. "Good. Dinner will be ready in an hour."

As soon as they had left the room, I let out a snort of amusement. For some reason, as strange as it seemed, I actually felt lighter than I had in a long time. If only it would last.

Deep down, I already knew it wouldn't. 

**oOoOoOo**

Edward's eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, and I instantly knew he had been crying. I also knew he would never admit it. How badly I wished I could just take him in my arms and hold him, offer him all the love and comfort a mother should be able to give her son when he was hurting.

But I couldn't. Because he wouldn't ever let me touch him.

I hated it, and more than anything, I loathed the heartless woman who had given birth to him and then betrayed her precious little boy in the worst way imaginable, because it was all her fault. Hers, and that heinous monster she called her husband. If I could, I would happily kill both of them on the spot.

"What were you dreaming, sweetie?" My fingers itched to reach for him. But I couldn't. "Talk to me." He stubbornly shook his head and wiped at his eyes. "Okay. What if I'll go get Carlisle? Will you talk to him?" It was the middle of the night and my husband was sound asleep, exhausted from working another double shift at the hospital, but I would wake him up in an instant if Edward asked me to.

"No!" he choked out angrily, rolling over on his side so he was facing away from me. His breathing was coming out in sharp, ragged gasps, and I knew he was struggling desperately to settle down and get his emotions under control. He shouldn't have to do it alone. But he just wouldn't accept any other way.

I was so certain I had already experienced the ultimate pain when I lost my baby a few years back. This was different, but it hurt all the same. And just like then, I was helpless, powerless.

"I'll just stay here for a while, then," I assured him quietly, not surprised when my voice cracked at the last word. "We don't have to talk, and I won't bother you. You can go back to sleep if you want."

I wasn't really expecting him to respond, but when almost a minute had passed, he did. "I don't," he whispered hoarsely. I felt a pang in my chest, because something told me he hadn't intended for me to hear him.

"That's all right." I automatically lifted my hand to place it soothingly on his shoulder, but thankfully realized what I was doing at the last second and let it drop before making contact. "You don't have to."

"But I'm tired," he croaked, and I heard him try to stifle a sob, either from defeat or frustration. I wanted to help. I wanted to console him and take his pain away. But he wouldn't let me. So I just sat there quietly, and eventually, after what seemed like hours but couldn't be more than ten minutes at the most, I could hear his breathing even out as his body finally gave in to exhaustion. 

**oOoOoOo**

"It's just getting worse, Carlisle. He's angry all the time, and his language is absolutely horrid." I wiped away a tear. "I just don't know what to do."

"I know." He sighed. "I suppose it makes sense in a way. Edward has so much repressed anger and pain inside, and he refuses to let it out and deal with it in a healthy way. None of the therapists he's been seeing has been able to get through to him, and there's only so much they can do when he simply won't open up to them. They can't force him to talk - it doesn't work that way."

"Sometimes I wish they could," I confessed guiltily. I was ashamed to admit it, but there were times when I wished we had pushed Edward more from the beginning, insisting he would let us in and not taking no for an answer. I shook my head. "I'm afraid for him, Carlisle. I'm so afraid of what his life is going to be like if he keeps this up. What if he'll never be able to connect with another person in any way?

He was quiet for a moment. "You have no idea how badly I wish I could promise you it won't come to that, but..."

"But you can't," I finished with a deep sigh, feeling my eyes well up again. "I know that. It just tears me up inside."

As much as it pained me, there was no point in denying it. Edward was so much more traumatized and damaged by his past than we had first thought, and nothing we did seemed to help. I loved him deeply, but it just wasn't enough. He was simply incapable of letting anyone in, and while I knew I shouldn't take it personally, it was so very hard not to feel like I was failing him when he wouldn't accept my maternal love and affection.

It was frightening how cold and bitter he was these days, and I felt like I was just losing him a bit more each day. I had never told Carlisle, but I absolutely dreaded the day Edward would turn eighteen. Maybe I was being a little irrational, but I feared that when the time came, he would just walk out the door without looking back, without as much as a goodbye.

And then I would never see him again.

That night, I had just finished loading the dishwasher when Edward entered the kitchen. I gave him a soft smile, wishing against hope that he would return it. "Hi, sweetie. You missed dinner, but there's plenty of left-overs in the fridge. Do you want me to warm something up for you?"

He shook his head. "I'm not hungry." My disappointment must have shown, because the moment after he added, "Maybe later."

"Of course. Just let me know." I knew he was more than capable of fixing himself something to eat, but it was one of the few things he would normally allow me to do for him. He had always liked my cooking, and lately I had been feeling like I was grabbing at straws. Carlisle had warned me about spoiling him, but I could tell Edward had never taken me or anything around the house for granted.

"Okay." He turned to leave.

I panicked and called out for him, "Edward, just stay for a moment? Please?" Seeing how he was acting mostly civil and I never knew what mood he would be in the next time I saw him, I wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"What's wrong?" His expression turned slightly alarmed. "Did I do something?"

"No, of course not." It broke my heart that his first reaction would always be that. "I was just hoping we could talk for a moment."

"Oh." He looked down at his feet, clearly uncomfortable. "About what?"

"Well..." I hesitated, knowing I needed to chose my words carefully. "How was your day?" He just looked at me, his eyes narrowing suspiciously, and I forced back a sigh. "I really want to know."

"Why?" he asked in a flat voice.

I looked him right in the eyes. "Because I care about you." He just mumbled something. "Edward?" I pleaded.

"My day was fine. I'm fine." He wouldn't look at me and I wondered which one of us he was trying the hardest to convince.

Somehow I managed a sad smile. "Why don't I believe you?" He opened his mouth but I held up a hand and shook my head. "I'm sorry, honey, I don't mean to imply that you're lying to me. But..." A bitter laugh escaped me. "Edward, you're not fine. You're always so angry, and... Just please tell me what to do to help you."

Something flickered in his eyes, but only for a second. Then the hardness was back. "I don't need any help. Just leave me alone."

I swallowed hard. "But I can't. Don't you see? You're my boy, and-"

He interrupted me, his words causing my already aching heart to shatter. "No, I'm not." 

**oOoOoOo**

A door slammed somewhere in the house. Then I heard my husband's calm voice, "There's no need to get testy with me, son. I only asked you a question."

I was holding my breath as I waited for some kind of response from Edward, but there was only silence. A moment later, Carlisle slowly came down the stairs, a dejected look on his face. Then he spotted me. "I suppose you heard that?" I nodded sympathetically. "It's best to just leave him alone for now. He's not having a good day."

Was he serious? "Carlisle, when does he ever?"

He sighed. "What do you want me to say? I'm well aware of the problem, Esme. I'm sorry I can't just snap my fingers and make everything all right." He must have seen my hurt expression, because he quickly held up a hand. "I apologize - that was uncalled for. I just..." another sigh escaped him and he shook his head helplessly, looking lost.

My heart went out to him. I knew all too well how he felt.

"It's okay," I assured him. "I understand." He gave me a small smile and walked up to me, wrapping me up in his arms and pulling me close. I let out a content sigh, allowing myself to revel in the comfort of his embrace, if only for a little while. Things had been strained between us for a long time, and we both knew it. But thankfully, there were times when it was easy to forget and just live in the moment.

"Alice made a new friend at school," he told me after a few minutes of silence. "She was most excited."

I smiled. It was nice to know that at least someone in this family was happy these days. "Yes, she told me all about the new girl this morning. Apparently her name is Bella." I was quiet for a moment. "Do you think Edward will ever...?" I stopped, unable to finish the sentence, because I feared I already knew the answer, and it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

Edward didn't have any friends. He always kept to himself, and he wouldn't even try to socialize with anyone. Emmett had lost his patience and given up a long time ago, and even though Alice would still try from time to time, she got absolutely nothing for her efforts. My youngest boy was a loner by choice and he obviously preferred the solitude.

It was like he had always been isolating himself from the rest of the world, and he didn't know any other way to live. It wasn't healthy, but if that was the way Edward wanted it, then how could we make him see that his behavior was downright destructive? He simply refused to listen to what any of us had to say.

Sometimes I got the disturbing feeling he was deliberately trying to frustrate us until the point where we would just say 'that's it' and give up on him completely.

It would never happen, though. I couldn't have loved Edward more if he was mine by blood, and I knew Carlisle felt the same. That's why it hurt so much. Over six years had passed since Edward first came to live with us. We had decided to take things a step further and adopt him - which unfortunately had turned out to be a long and complicated process - and his last name had been Cullen for a long time now.

But deep down, I couldn't help but fear that Edward would never fully think of himself as one of us. That he would always consider himself to be an outsider, a stranger in his own family. He had built thick, massive walls around himself, and it seemed to be impossible to tear them down.

He was so close by, and yet so far away - I just didn't know how to reach him.

And it was killing me.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** **There will be one more chapter after this one, which will be EPOV. I've been going back and forth whether I should do it or not, but, well, what can I say? Lonerward has a bit more to share, and who am I to stop him? :P Anyway, thank you all so much for your support and your lovely reviews, I appreciate every single one, even though I sadly don't have the time to respond to you all. **

**oOoOoOo**

**Alice**

"So, is this forever?" I asked carefully, because I wasn't sure I understood. Glancing at Emmett, I noticed he looked just as confused as me. I turned back to Dad. "Or is Edward just going to live here with us for a little while, until he can move back home?"

Dad shook his head, a serious look on his face. "It's too soon to say whether or not Edward will be staying here permanently, but you both need to understand this. For now, starting next week, his home will be here with us. I explained to you how his mother is sick and unable to take care of him. That's where we come in. We'll be his new family."

"Okay. But..." I hesitated a little. "Won't he miss his real family?" I thought for a moment. "Maybe his mom can come here to visit some time?"

"I don't think so, Alice." Dad sighed. "It wouldn't be safe for him. Besides, I don't think she..." he stopped, shaking his head again. "It just wouldn't be safe," he repeated firmly.

"Because his mom's husband was being..." I tried to remember the word Dad had used earlier. It was all kind of blurring together.

Emmett spoke up. "Abusive," he finished for me, looking at Dad expectantly. "Things got bad, and Edward ended up in the hospital with you. Right?"

Dad nodded. "That's right. There are a few things you have to remember. Edward doesn't like to be touched, so you need to be careful around him in the beginning, give him a chance to adjust and get used to this new situation. He doesn't really know us, and now he'll be living here. He's bound to feel frightened and uncomfortable for a while, so we need to be patient with him, trying not to overwhelm him."

That made sense. I knew I'd be scared too if I had to go live with a bunch of people I didn't know. The thought made me feel sad, and I promised myself I would do my best to make Edward feel welcome here with us. I just had to remember not to touch him. Emmett and I would push and shove each other all the time.

"We will, Dad." I smiled at him, because he looked a little worried. I wasn't. In fact, I was pretty excited about the whole thing. Emmett could be really annoying at times, but having a brother was also a lot of fun. And now I would have two.

Emmett turned to me with a teasing grin, and I figured his thoughts were similar to mine. "You better watch your back, sis. It'll be two against one now. Guys always stick together."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "If you're gonna be mean, I'll tell Edward about that time you got scared of the duck at the petting zoo and almost peed your pants."

"I was five!" he defended himself angrily. "And it was sneaking up quacking behind me. You'd be freaked out too."

"No, I wouldn't," I giggled.

He glared at me. "Well, then I'll tell Edward about when you-"

"All right, kids, that's enough." Dad held up a hand, looking at us sternly. "Can I trust you two to behave when Edward gets here?"

Emmett and I looked at each other. "Sure, Dad," he nodded.

"You can trust us," I added seriously. "We'll make sure Edward will be happy here." Emmett nodded in agreement.

Dad's face softened and I could tell he was pleased. "That's my girl."

**oOoOoOo**

It didn't take long for me to find out that Edward wasn't much of a talker. Mom said he was just being shy and that he would warm up to us eventually. Dad said it would just take some time for him to get used to this new situation. In other words - get used to living here with us. I could understand that.

I was very curious about what happened to him. Dad had explained that Edward couldn't live with his mom because she was sick, and his stepdad was hurting him. I didn't really understand what was wrong with his mom, but I realized it had to be something more serious than just a common cold.

Maybe she was dying. There was a girl in my class whose dad had died of cancer last year. I remember her crying a lot. But if Edward's mom was dying, shouldn't he be sad? I knew I would be. But so far, I hadn't seen him cry once. And he never talked about her. Then again, he didn't really talk much about anything.

Or maybe he would talk to Dad. He would spend a lot of time in Edward's room, especially late at night. Mom said Edward was having nightmares - as if that wasn't obvious. My room was right across the hall, and the screaming woke me up every time. The first night, it scared me half to death.

I was convinced there were things about Edward and his past that Mom and Dad were keeping from me and Emmett. His stepfather hurting him so badly he ended up in the hospital was absolutely horrible, but I had a feeling there was more to it than that. I couldn't explain it - I just knew.

Too bad I couldn't just ask Edward. I had quickly learned that bringing up his past was a no-no.

"Alice?" There was a knock on my door, followed by Mom's soft voice, "Honey, you're going to be late for school."

"No, I won't," I assured her, grabbing my school bag and heading for the door. I was never late for anything, at least nothing that mattered. Dad used to joke about how nothing of importance could ever start before I had arrived, but that wasn't true. I just really hated missing out on stuff, and even more so, I hated being kept out of the loop.

Which takes us back to Mom and Dad hiding something about Edward.

It wasn't just that I was being curious. I felt really bad for him after everything he had been through, and I figured he could really use a friend. Of course, I had thought of Edward as my brother since Mom and Dad first sat us down and told us he was going to be living with us, but I could tell it would take longer for him.

I wasn't giving up, though. Mom would say I was being persistent. I think what she actually meant was 'stubborn'. Well, I suppose she was right.

And I was going to make Edward like me. No matter how long it took. Really, there was no way he could resist my sisterly charm forever.

**oOoOoOo**

I knew I should knock before walking into someone's room, but somehow, I always forgot. It wasn't that I was being rude - it just slipped my mind. To be honest, it seemed unnecessary to me, seeing how we were all family and living in the same house, but I could see and respect the wish for personal space.

Again, I just forgot about it. When Emmett was in a bad mood - which didn't happen very often - he would yell at me and tell me to get out. But most of the time, it didn't seem to bother him that much. Same with Mom and Dad. With Edward, well, it was hard to tell whether my presence was bothering him or not. He never yelled at me, but he didn't exactly look happy to see me, either.

And that was something that definitely bothered me.

"Hi!" I waved excitedly as Edward looked up from the book he was reading. "What are you doing?" He gave me a strange look and held up the book, like it should be obvious. I felt a little stupid, but it took a lot more to bring me down. "Homework?" He just nodded in response and turned his attention back to his reading.

_Okay..._

"I'm all done with mine," I told him, even though he hadn't asked. "Wanna hang out?"

He looked up again, surprised. "Why?" I didn't get the chance to respond as he shifted awkwardly and glanced down at the book in his lap. "I need to finish this," he mumbled.

"Oh, okay." I suspected this was his polite way of asking me to leave. "Some other time, then." It wasn't a question, so I didn't really expect him to answer. Yet I was somewhat disappointed by his silence as I turned to leave the room.

I almost ran into Emmett in the hallway outside. He grinned at me. "What's the rush? Is there a fashion sale somewhere?"

Yes, I liked to buy things. That didn't give him the right to make fun of me about it. "You seem to be in a hurry, too," I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest. "Is there a pizza-eating contest somewhere?" He frowned and I smiled triumphantly, pleased with my witty comeback.

"What were you doing in Edward's room?" he asked then, obviously deciding it was enough with the teasing.

I shrugged, because I didn't like to admit that I had been rejected. "Nothing. Just talking."

He rolled his eyes. "Then I guess it's a good thing you enjoy listening to your own voice, because I doubt he had much to add to the conversation."

"Don't be a jerk." I glared at him. "Just because you and Edward don't get along-"

"And whose fault is that?" Emmett sounded angry now. "He never wants to do anything and he barely even talks to me. It sucks!"

"_You_ suck," I muttered, but deep down, I had to agree with him.

Well, I should just be rational about it. That was something Dad would say - he always liked to use big words. The point was, Edward had been living with us for a little more than a year. He was obviously having a hard time, not just here at home, but in school as well. I knew he went to see a therapist once a week, but that didn't seem to be helping. I remembered hearing Mom and Dad arguing about it once.

I was pretty sure Edward's problem wasn't really with us. Sometimes I got the feeling he was just scared of getting attached. More than once, I had heard him asking Mom and Dad if they would send him back to Chicago, and even though they had assured him repeatedly that they wouldn't, he never seemed convinced. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the thought of going back there terrified him.

He shouldn't worry about it, though. Maybe he couldn't see it yet, but I did. Edward wouldn't be going anywhere. He belonged here with us.

And some day, he would even be happy about it.

**oOoOoOo**

"Get off me, don't touch me! Get away!" Edward's panicked voice rang through the house and I felt a chill run down my spine. I jumped up and left my room, quickly padding down the stairs. As I got closer, I could hear Dad speaking as well. He sounded calm enough, never raising his voice, and I stopped at a safe distance, listening.

"Calm down, son, no one is going to hurt you." I watched how Dad slowly stepped closer to Edward, who was standing with his back pressed against the wall in the corner of the room. His eyes were closed, and I noticed he was shaking. I realized he was having a panic attack of some kind - Mom and Dad had explained it to me and Emmett many times, but that didn't make it any less frightening.

I knew it scared Mom when it happened as well, but she wouldn't admit it. Instead she would just make me and Emmett leave the room, insisting it would be okay. And then, when she didn't think anyone could see her, she would cry - I had seen it myself. I tried to comfort her once, but that had only made her cry more. After that, I would just pretend not to notice her red eyes and the dried tears on her face.

Dad didn't seem scared, though - he always knew what to do. After all, he was a doctor and he had seen a lot of bad things. But I had overheard him and Mom talking once, and he told her Edward was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but if you asked me, it sounded pretty bad.

"Edward, you need to breathe. You're okay." I must have made some kind of sound, because Dad suddenly looked over his shoulder and spotted me. "Alice?"

I took a hesitant step forward. "Can I help?"

"No, sweetheart. Just stay back." He sighed and turned back to Edward, who had slid down on the floor and was now breathing heavily, almost gasping. I felt like I was about to cry, but no tears would come. To be honest, I didn't think there was much I could do, but I had asked anyway. I _wanted_ to help, but no one would ever tell me how.

Instead I just seemed to be in the way. So I turned to leave, not wanting to make things even worse.

**oOoOoOo**

"Hi, what's your name?" I asked eagerly. I had never seen this boy before he walked up to me just now and said hi, so I figured he had to be new at school. He was so cute! And really tall. Emmett used to tease me for being short, calling me a midget. Just because he was almost six feet tall and practically a giant. Mom would try to make me feel better, assuring me I hadn't finished growing yet.

I hoped she was right. After all, I was only thirteen.

"Jasper Whitlock. Me and my parents just moved here from Houston." He smiled shyly, drawing patterns on the dirty floor with his shoe. "I saw you in English class this morning."

"Really?" How could I have missed him? I frowned. "How come it took you so long to come and talk to me?"

He coughed and ducked his head, but not fast enough for me to miss how his cheeks turned red. I couldn't remember ever seeing a boy blush before, and I wondered if I was making him uncomfortable. "Um, I wasn't sure you wanted to talk to me," he confessed quietly.

"You're silly," I giggled. "Of course I do."

I could tell he was relieved as he raised his head to look at me again. "Well, what's your name?"

"Alice Cullen." I smiled up at him. "You're pretty. Do you wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Um, okay." He looked a little uncertain as he went on in a low voice, "But I've never had a girlfriend before. What would I have to do?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Well, you can walk me to class. And I guess you should hold my hand."

"Sure, I can do that," he nodded calmly. A pause. "You're very pretty, too." I beamed at him. In that moment, I decided I was going to marry this guy one day.

But for the time being, I figured it was probably best to keep that little fact to myself.

**oOoOoOo**

"Hey, Alice?" I looked up to see Edward standing in the doorway, running his fingers awkwardly through his hair. "Esme says it's your turn to set the table."

"Oh, right, I forgot. I'm coming." He nodded and turned to leave, but I called out for him, "Hey, what did you do to your hand?" I noticed it was red and swollen.

Edward froze in his tracks, then gave me an annoyed look, quickly shoving his right hand behind his back. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me," I protested, moving towards him, but he instantly took a step back and glared at me warningly. I held up my hands in surrender. "Never mind. Forget that I asked." He watched me suspiciously for a moment, then spun around and left without a word.

I sighed. Edward always seemed edgy these days, even more so than usual, and it didn't take much for him to snap and lose his temper. As for his hand, I was pretty sure he had punched a wall or something - it wouldn't be the first time. When I asked Dad about it once, he told me it was a good sign, that Edward had a lot of pent up anger inside and needed to find a way to let it out.

In a way, I suppose that made sense. But I didn't see how hurting himself could ever be a good thing. When I had pointed that out to Dad, he went silent. All of a sudden, he looked so sad that I decided to change the subject. And I told myself not to bring it up again.

I could talk to Jasper, though. He would always listen to me, and I didn't have to worry about upsetting him. We had been together for almost a year, and even though Emmett would tease me and insist it wouldn't last, that we were too young to know what we wanted, I knew in my heart that he was wrong. Jasper was the one - my soul mate.

Emmett didn't know what he was talking about. So what if we were only fourteen? Juliet wasn't any older when she fell in love with Romeo. Okay, so the two of them didn't exactly get to live happily ever after, but at least their love for each other was real.

A_nyway..._

Jasper. He would sit quietly and let me rant and go on, whether I was bubbling with excitement or low-spirited to the point of depression. And he always seemed to understand me perfectly. There were times when I couldn't help but think he was just too good to be true.

More than anything, I wanted Jasper and Edward to get along. They were about the same age, and it would be so much fun if we could all hang out together - me, my brother and my boyfriend. But sadly, Edward had made it very clear, over and over again, that he wasn't interested in making friends.

I could only hope that - some day - he would come around.

**oOoOoOo**

"Edward, do you-"

"No," he cut me off, not even looking up from the TV. "Go away."

I rolled my eyes. "But you don't even know what I'm about to ask you."

"Fine." He sighed. "What do you want?"

I wasn't going to let him put a damper on my good mood. "Emmett and I are going to Port Angeles on Saturday. School starts next week, so we need to go shopping for new clothes!"

"_We_ are doing no such thing," Emmett grumbled as he appeared in the doorway, having obviously heard what I said. I opened my mouth to object but he hurried on, "I believe the agreement was me giving you a ride and then staying out of your way until it's time to go back home. I will not sit and watch you trying on a million pair of shoes and I'm not carrying a single one of your bags. Take it or leave it."

I ignored Edward's smirk and pointed a warning finger at Emmett. "Mom told us to stick together. Besides, you need shoes as well."

"Which I'm perfectly capable of picking out and buying myself, thank you very much." Emmett shook his head in exasperation. "I'm not shopping with you, Alice. No way in hell."

I grimaced. "But you have no taste! Just look at what you're wearing right now. If you'd let me pick out your clothes, I promise the girls at Forks High will be all over you." Edward snorted at that, and I turned to give him a hard look. "What?" I demanded, placing my hands on my hips.

He shook his head and looked away. "Nothing."

"_Anyway,"_ I let out an impatient sigh, "I think you should come with us."

"No, thanks." Edward turned his attention back to the TV.

I stomped my foot in frustration, causing him to look at me with a frown. "Why not?"

"I don't need any new clothes," he muttered. "Got a whole wardrobe full up in my room, and I barely use half of it."

"But..." I started to protest.

Emmett interrupted me, a sour look on his face. "Just let it go, Alice. He doesn't wanna go. You know how it is - he thinks he's too good to hang out with us." He was clearly talking to me, but his eyes were locked on Edward, which I took as an attempt to provoke him.

"I never said that!" Edward glared at him.

"Fine, whatever," Emmett shrugged him off, nonchalantly. "Like I'd care if you came, anyway." For a moment, Edward looked almost hurt, but then his expression hardened. I didn't think Emmett even noticed.

But I did.

I just didn't understand how Edward's mind worked. He seemed to want nothing to do with the rest of us, but then there were times when I'd catch him looking at us almost wistfully, as if he wanted to fit in, but he just didn't know how. And there was no point in asking him about it - he would just get defensive and angry.

"Well, _I_ care," I stated firmly, deciding to give it one more try. I gave Edward a pleading look. "Come with us? Please?"

"Alice..." he sighed, shaking his head in annoyance. "Just leave me alone." With that he got up and left.

I could feel Emmett's eyes on me. "Shut up, I don't wanna hear it," I mumbled dejectedly. He instantly raised his hands in surrender. I glanced at him, expecting him to look smug.

But to my surprise, he didn't. Instead he just looked sad. I didn't blame him. The excitement I had felt just a moment ago was gone. And all of a sudden, the thought of going shopping in Port Angeles this weekend didn't seem as appealing anymore.

**oOoOoOo**

"I'm serious, Carlisle. I can't stand the woman and I don't want her in my house." Mom sounded upset as she went on, "Besides, you know how Edward feels about this. Isn't there anything you can do?"

"You know there isn't," Dad said in a strained voice, as if he was struggling to keep his temper. "We've been though this, Esme. I don't like it anymore than you do. Do you really think I'd put him through all that every year if I had a choice? You think I enjoy watching him fall apart? Because we both know that's what's going to happen."

Mom clapped her hand over her mouth, as if to stifle a sob. I felt bad for eavesdropping, so I cleared my throat softly, deciding to make my presence known. They both spun around, looking startled.

Dad was the first to recover. He smiled at me, although his eyes were tired and worried. "Did you want something, honey? Your mother and I were just in the middle of something."

I couldn't bring myself to pretend I hadn't heard what they said, at least the last part. "Are you talking about Edward? Is that woman from the Social Services coming here again?"

Dad looked torn for a moment, but then nodded in confirmation. "Yes. She'll be here next week."

"Oh." I was quiet as I contemplated his words. The woman - her name was Victoria Masen - would come here once a year and talk to Edward for an hour or so, and the rest of us were requested - or ordered - to stay out of the way. I wasn't sure exactly why she had to come, and when I asked Mom and Dad, they just said it had to do with Edward's adoption.

Needless to say, Edward hated those visits.

Last year had been bad. Then again, it was always bad - Edward would be a mess for hours once Mrs. Masen had left. I hated seeing him like that, and I knew I wasn't the only one. Every year, Emmett would make sure not to be home that day. It took me a while to figure out that he purposely left the house so he wouldn't have to watch Edward break down, and when I did, I got angry.

"What's the point in me being home?" he had asked me when I confronted him about it. "It's not like Edward actually cares if I'm there or not."

I realized I couldn't argue with that. Still, I didn't completely agree with his logic. In some ways, Emmett and I were alike, but in others, we couldn't be more different. I refused to give up on Edward, no matter how many times he had turned down my efforts to show him I cared about him. Emmett had stopped trying a long time ago. Or at least that's what it seemed like most of the time.

But I couldn't deny there were times when Emmett appeared to be upset that he and Edward weren't closer. I knew he had gotten into fights at school several times because he couldn't stand listening to the other kids talking about Edward behind his back. As much as I hated any of my brothers getting in trouble, I was secretly pleased whenever I found out Emmett had been standing up for Edward.

It meant that he cared after all. He just didn't like to admit it.

Edward on the other hand didn't seem to care about anyone. Not even himself. But I couldn't help but think it was just an act. Because he _had_ to care. He just couldn't be as indifferent and coldhearted as he was letting on. I refused to believe that. He just needed to learn how to trust people.

Maybe he needed a girlfriend. I sighed. Too bad that was not something I could help him with. It wasn't like I had any available friends.

**oOoOoOo**

I knocked briefly before stepping into Edward's room, not waiting for a response, because I knew I wouldn't get one anyway. He looked up, startled, although his expression quickly turned into hostility. "Get out," he grumbled. When I just looked at him innocently and went to sit down on the bed, he sighed in defeat. "What the fuck do you want? I'm busy."

_Yeah, right._

I smiled sweetly. "Hello to you, too, brother dear. What are you doing?"

He just stared at me for a moment. "Why?" he finally asked.

I gave him a skeptical look. "You don't look very busy to me." When he ignored my statement, I went on, "Did you see the new girl? Bella Swan?" I didn't try to hide my excitement. This girl was the new hot topic at school - she was the police chief's daughter and people kept flocking around her, hoping to attract her attention.

The hilarious part was that she obviously just wanted to blend into the background. From what I had seen of Bella so far, she was nice and sweet, but also a bit shy and awkward. Of course, I'd be uncomfortable too if I had idiots like Mike Newton breathing down my neck and following me around like a lost puppy.

I had asked Bella to join me for lunch in the cafeteria, and was pleased when she accepted my invitation without hesitation. She was just the type of girl I could see myself being friends with. So I had invited her here for a sleep-over tomorrow night, along with Emmett's girlfriend, Rose. Rose could be a little intimidating when you didn't know her, but I hoped she and Bella would get along.

Turning my attention back to Edward, I realized he had zoned out, seemingly lost in his thoughts, and I waved my hand carefully in front of his face. "Edward? Hello?" He jumped and flinched back, and I quickly held up my hands. "What's wrong?"

Before I knew it, he was across the room. "Nothing's wrong," he mumbled, breathing hard and unsteadily, and I knew he was lying. I also knew better than to keep pushing, so I decided to just change the subject, "So, the new girl, Bella? She sat with us at lunch today. I like her a lot, she's really sweet."

"Alice..." he groaned, not bothering to hide his irritation. I proceeded to ask about his plans for tomorrow night, which he mistook for me wanting him out of the house when Rose and Bella arrived.

The way his mind worked sometimes was a complete mystery to me. Why couldn't he just see that it broke my heart to know he would spend another Friday night all by himself, locked up in his room? He kept insisting he didn't want any friends. The really sad part was that I knew he meant it. Or at least he _believed_ he did.

He just wanted to be left alone, keeping himself at a safe distance from the rest of the world. If the solitude had made him happy, I would probably let it go. But that was just the thing. It was painfully obvious that Edward _wasn't_ happy. And there didn't seem to be anything I - or anyone else, for that matter - could do about it.

My thoughts went to Bella. She hadn't met Edward yet, and I couldn't help but wonder what she would think when she did. If I got my way, Bella and I would become really good friends and spend a lot of time together, which meant she would also have to interact with the rest of my family at some point.

Rose didn't like Edward at all, but I knew she was biased - if Emmett had a problem with someone, then so did she. It bothered me, but I couldn't really blame her, seeing how - as far as I knew - Edward had never done anything to get on Rosalie's good side. Their dislike for one another was clearly mutual.

Bella didn't seem to be the kind of person who was quick to judge. Of course, I didn't knew her all that well just yet, but still, I had a good feeling about her.

In fact, I felt more positive than I remembered feeling in a long time.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So, this is the last chapter of this little prequel. I hope you've enjoyed it, even though it's been mostly depressing. Just have in mind that Edward will get his happy ending. Since this chapter will be EPOV, I'd like to put out a little warning. Like I've said before, there will be no graphic details, but there will be mention of child abuse and rape. But if you could handle 'Loner', you should be fine. Just make sure to have some tissues ready. Thank you all so much for reading, and remember that I love to hear from you. If you want to make sure not to miss the outtakes of the main story that I'm planning to do eventually, just put me on author alert, or follow me on Twitter. I'm NillaSwan.**

**oOoOoOo**

**Edward**

I tried to listen to Carlisle as he kept assuring me I was safe and that he and Esme would be just down the hall if I needed them. But there were a million thoughts rushing through my head, all at once, making it hard to focus. I vaguely remembered him telling me about his house in Forks when we were still at the hospital in Chicago, but I never imagined it would be this big.

Not that I had any plans of wandering off by myself, but I was pretty sure that if I did leave my room, it wouldn't take long before I ended up lost. It had taken the Cullens nearly an hour to show me around this afternoon, and I had instantly forgotten everything as soon as they were done. Right now, I didn't even think I'd be able to find my way down to the kitchen if I tried.

Again, I wouldn't be going anywhere. I was tired and I just wanted to go to sleep. And the bed was really comfortable. My eyelids started to feel heavy and I yawned. Carlisle asked me if I wanted him to close the door when he left and I told him yes. After saying good night, he quietly walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

I couldn't remember my mom ever saying good night to me. Thinking of my mom now just made me sad, so I quickly blocked all those thoughts out. It wasn't like she would be lying awake thinking about me. She was probably just happy I was gone. Well, that made two of us. I felt myself drifting off, and my last thought was that it was okay to relax, that James wouldn't be coming into my room tonight.

_Footsteps out in the hall. Coming closer. The doorknob turning, slowly, and the sound of his heavy breathing as he steps into my room, approaching me without a word. Nowhere to run. And I can't hide. I squeeze my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. It won't stop him, though. He always gets what he wants._

_Please, don't. Just leave me alone tonight. I'm scared. _

_No one cares._

_I feel like I can't breathe. It hurts. And I know the pain won't stop until he's done. It's like every time he's doing this, he's taking something from me. I'm not sure what, all I know is that I won't get it back. Every time when it's over, I feel a little more empty inside, and I wonder what's going to happen when there's nothing more for him to take. _

_When there's nothing left of me, will he finally leave me alone? Or will he just keep going? Why won't my mom stop him from hurting me?_

_Because I deserve it. Because I'm bad. But I don't know why. He won't tell me. If he did, then I could change. I could be good. Anything to make him stop._

_He says it's my fault, that I give him no choice but to punish me. But if he doesn't want to do this, then why does he always look so pleased? His voice is saying one thing, but his eyes are saying another. He likes it when I'm bad, so he can punish me. But I don't understand why._

_I don't understand any of this. And I'm scared._

_No one will help me. Because this is what I deserve._

_I'm bad. But I don't want to be. _

_It hurts. Will he ever be done?_

_Stop thinking. Stop feeling._

_Just stop. _

_I need to be quiet. If I cry, he will get angry. And then he will hurt me even more. But it's so hard to be quiet when it feels like I'm being ripped apart from inside. It's better when he's just hitting me. That won't take as long, and after the first couple of blows, I feel mostly numb. And it won't make me feel as ashamed and dirty afterwards. _

_I feel sick to my stomach, but I can't throw up until he's gone. I want to scream for him to stop, but I can't do that either. I can't do anything but wait. _

_He's so heavy. And he smells of alcohol. It's disgusting. I struggle to keep from retching. But he notices what I'm doing and tighten his grip around my neck, pushing my face harder down into the pillow and grunts into my ear. Tears are burning in my eyes, but I have learned not to let them fall. Not until he's gone._

_I can't take it much longer. Why won't he ever stop?_

_The pain just gets worse._

_I scream._

**oOoOoOo**

Esme and Carlisle knew about my nightmares. They'd have to be both blind and deaf not to, seeing how my screaming woke them up almost every night. It was embarrassing, but there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't like I could just make the bad dreams go away, no matter how badly I wanted to.

They were always understanding, never getting upset with me even though they kept getting their sleep disrupted. I suspected they felt sorry for me, and I wondered how they would feel if they knew I wasn't as innocent as they seemed to think. If they realized I was so worthless that no one could love me, not even my own mother.

But so far they were being nice to me. They told me how they wanted me to feel at home here with them, and they never got angry or yelled. I knew it wouldn't last, though. Sooner or later, they would see what a disappointment I really was, and then they would send me away. The only question was, would they send me back to Chicago, or someplace else?

I couldn't allow myself to get attached to them and hope that I'd get to stay. It would just hurt too much when I had to leave. Because I had to admit that if I tried, I could probably learn to like it here.

Alice and Emmett made me a bit uncomfortable, though. They seemed nice and all, but I wasn't really used to being around other kids. Of course I went to school, but I would always do my best to keep to myself. There was no point in trying to make friends, because then I'd have to come up with some explanation why I could never invite them over to play.

That wouldn't be a problem with Alice and Emmett, since I was already living with them, but I still refused to let them come too close. Obviously, both of them were curious about me, and Carlisle had asked me if he could tell them a little more about 'my situation' as he liked to call it. I told him no.

If they didn't hate me yet, they sure would if they knew how bad I really was. Emmett always seemed eager for me to do things with him, but I turned him down every time. Surely he wouldn't like me if he knew the truth. And I didn't want to like him. It would just make it harder in the long run. Because it wouldn't last.

Esme asked me one morning - when there were just the two of us in the room - if I used to have many friends back in Chicago. I didn't like talking about myself, but it seemed like she really wanted to know, so I felt like I should at least give her something. "Not really," I told her with a shrug, not wanting to explain that I had always done my best to keep it that way.

Her eyes turned sad, although I wasn't sure why. "Oh. Well, you'll be starting school here next week. I'm sure you will make plenty of friends." She smiled softly.

The thought of starting a new school made me feel nauseous. Everyone would stare at me and wonder why I was suddenly living with the Cullens. They would see right away that I didn't fit in, that I didn't belong here. That I would never be good enough to fit in anywhere.

But I couldn't bring myself to tell Esme how I really felt. That would just lead to things I definitely didn't want to think about. So I just nodded, avoiding to look her in the eyes.

Of course, she noticed. "Sweetie, are you nervous about school? You don't have to be. Remember, Alice and Emmett will be there, so it's not like you won't know anyone. Everything will be fine."

I really doubted that. At least all of my bruises were gone now, so no one should be able to see what happened by just looking at me. But still, all it would take was for someone to bump into me, and then everyone would realize I was nothing like the rest of them.

Ever since the hospital, I couldn't stand anyone touching me. At least I thought that's when it started. Of course, before that, the only person who would ever touch me was James, and I couldn't stand that, either. But it wasn't like I had any choice. I couldn't exactly make him stop.

I had a choice now. Carlisle and Esme knew how I felt, and they would immediately back away whenever they saw my reaction. It made me feel stupid and embarrassed, but at the same time, I felt for the first time like I was at least somewhat in control. They wouldn't come too close, because I wouldn't let them, and therefore, they couldn't hurt me.

Deep down, I didn't really think they would. But it was like my brain would just shut down sometimes, making me forget. Like there was another voice in my head, a voice that wasn't mine, that would tell me things I realized later wasn't real. But it was more than real at the time. And everything else just disappeared. It was scary, and I didn't know how to explain it to Carlisle and Esme.

As if there wasn't enough things wrong with me already.

"Do you want some more scrambled eggs?" Esme asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I wasn't really hungry but nodded anyway, grateful for the distraction. She had finished eating her breakfast but insisted to stay and keep me company while I ate.

Back in Chicago - I had stopped thinking of that place as home - I pretty much had to make my own breakfast and eat by myself while my mom and James were off somewhere. It was okay, though, I actually preferred it that way. There was always something to eat in the house, and that was good enough for me.

But Esme was nothing like my mom. She actually wanted to know what kind of food I liked, and she would always cook and bake whenever she had a moment to spare.

My mom never baked. She would try to make dinner every once in a while, but I didn't care much for her cooking. Neither did James, so we ate a lot of take-out. Of course, they never bothered to ask me what I wanted. I didn't care, as long as I didn't have to starve.

"This is good," I told Esme quietly, nodding at the eggs on my plate and watched how her entire face lit up. I didn't really understand why my words seemed to make her so happy, but I liked seeing her smile. It was nice. My mom rarely smiled. At least not at me. I suddenly felt a big lump form in my throat and put my fork down, unable to eat another bite.

This was nice. But I shouldn't enjoy it too much. Because it wouldn't last.

**oOoOoOo**

I squeezed my eyes shut, struggling to pull some air into my lungs. There were kids everywhere and I could feel them all looking at me. I wanted to yell at them to go away, but my mouth felt too dry and no sound would come out. I opened my eyes again, desperately searching the hallway for the nearest exit, but the main entrance seemed to be miles away and there were too many people blocking my way.

The walls were closing in on me and I quickly ducked my head as I started to feel dizzy. Panic welled up inside me, and as much as I wanted to run, I found that I couldn't bring my feet to move. I slid down to the floor, covering my ears with my hands as I tried to shut the noise out.

Someone touched my shoulder, causing me to jump, and I cried out in alarm. Then I heard someone say my name and slowly raised my head, my heart beating so hard it actually hurt. I vaguely recognized the woman crouching down in front of me, she was a teacher, but I couldn't remember her name. She was speaking to me, I could see her lips move, but I had a hard time focusing on what she was saying.

Suddenly she stood up, and I was relieved to see that most of the kids were gone. She asked me to follow her to the nurse's office, insisting it would be more quiet for me there while she called my parents. But she must have seen the confusion and fear in my eyes, because she quickly raised her hands, shook her head and blurted out, "I'm sorry, of course I meant Dr. Cullen."

I instantly felt some of the tension leave my body and nodded in acceptance. I didn't want to stay here. If she called Carlisle, maybe he could come and get me. I didn't want to cause more trouble for him, but right now, the thought of having to go back to class made my stomach turn. He might get annoyed, but I'd rather take that than having to stay at school.

Carlisle didn't get annoyed. It didn't take very long before he showed up, and after speaking briefly with the teacher and the school nurse, he just turned to me and said, "Let's go home, son." I let out a sigh of relief, eagerly following him out of the school building and towards his car.

Later that night, he asked me what happened. I felt pretty stupid, not sure what to tell him. The truth was, I didn't actually remember.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the floor. "I won't do that again." A part of me realized it was probably not a good idea to make promises I might not be able to keep, especially since I wasn't really sure what happened, but I didn't know what else to say.

"Edward, listen to me..." Carlisle paused. "Look at me, please?" I reluctantly obeyed. "There's no need to apologize - you haven't done anything wrong. Remember what I told you about these panic attacks? They are simply a manifestation of the trauma you suffered back in Chicago. I know it must be frightening when it happens, but I'm positive that in time, you will learn how to control them."

I swallowed hard, trying to understand what he was saying. He went on, calmly, "I was just hoping you could explain to me what set it off today. I want to understand, Edward, so I can help you."

It sounded good and all, and more than anything, I wished I could just tell him what was wrong so he could fix it. Fix _me_. But I couldn't do that, because I didn't know what was wrong with me in the first place. I was messed up somehow, and I obviously couldn't function like a normal person.

For one thing, I had never heard of someone who couldn't stomach being touched. But the mere thought made my skin crawl.

"You can't help me," I whispered. My eyes were stinging, but I wouldn't cry in front of him. I didn't deserve any help. I had brought this on myself. Whatever the problem was, it was my fault. That's what James always said. And I saw no reason to doubt him.

James wasn't here. He was in jail, almost two thousand miles away. But I could still hear him. He would still tell me what a screw-up I was, that I needed to be punished.

And I still believed him.

**oOoOoOo**

Watching everyone around me being happy and affectionate was hard. Every once in a while, Esme would ruffle Emmett's hair, kiss Alice's cheek, or slip her arms around Carlisle's waist, and I was torn between turning my head away in revulsion or stare in fascination. I didn't think they were trying to rub my nose in the fact that I could never have what they did, but sometimes, that's how it felt.

Esme would always get the saddest expression on her face when her eyes met mine during those moments. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. It wasn't her fault I was screwed up and emotionally retarded - it was mine. And I would never admit to anyone that I envied them. I didn't have the right. Because no matter how much they would insist I was a part of their family, I knew I wasn't. Not really.

I used to have a family of my own. My stepfather would beat me and punish me, and my mom would ignore me. Maybe I didn't like it, but that was the family I had, the family I deserved. Not the Cullens.

They were too good for me.

If I would ever for a moment try to fool myself into thinking I belonged here with them, it didn't take long before I heard James' cold voice in my head, reminding me I was wrong.

_"You're a disappointment to your mother."_

"_You're worthless."_

"_You can't ever do anything right."_

"_You're bad, and you need to be punished."_

Most of the time, I had no idea why he was yelling at me, because I really tried to do everything he said. But it was just never enough.

Sometimes when I woke up screaming in the middle of the night, Carlisle would be there, trying to calm me down. Afterwards, he would all but beg me to tell him about my nightmares, but I always refused. He knew about what James did to me, most of it anyway, and he tried to encourage me to talk about it. But I was too ashamed. Besides, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to forget.

**oOoOoOo**

"I can see you don't want to be here." Dr. Tanner leaned back in her chair, watching me thoughtfully. "Edward, I know you don't like to think about your past, but it won't go away just because you ignore it. You've been coming here for almost two months now, and basically, we're still standing at the same place we were at the beginning. You need to start acknowledging what happened to you."

I just pressed my lips closer together and turned my head away, refusing to look at her. I hated this. I hated coming here every week, but Carlisle and Esme insisted I needed therapy, so here I was. Hating every second of it. I wished I could simply tell them I didn't want to go, but they seemed so convinced it would be good for me, and I didn't have the heart to tell them how wrong they were.

Every once in a while, Carlisle would ask me a question about my past. Sometimes I answered him, and sometimes I didn't. Either way, he didn't push. I was okay with that, knowing it was up to me whether or not I had to tell him anything. He had made that clear right from the start.

That was why I had such a hard time to understand why he would make me see all these therapists. All they did was push, pushing me to talk to them, even though they tried to convince me we were doing it on my terms. Bullshit! I didn't want to talk. And I definitely didn't want to discuss my past with a stranger.

I had been seeing four or five different therapists by now, and so far, I had hated every one of them. Maybe 'hated' was a strong word, but they all made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't like them. And I didn't like how they kept trying to get me to 'open up'. I realized it was their job, but still. It just made me angry.

All of them had said the same thing - they were trying to help me, but what they failed to see was that I didn't need their help. They couldn't fix what was wrong with me. I was a bad person, period. Talking about it wouldn't change anything. I glanced at the large clock on the wall, willing the hands to move faster so my hour would be up. It didn't work. I wondered if maybe it was broken.

"Let's talk about guilt," Dr. Tanner suggested softly. "It's a very common feeling when you have suffered abuse by the hand of a family member. But it's important for you to remember-"

"Stop it!" I cut her off, glaring at her. "I don't wanna talk about this! You don't get it."

She leaned forward. "Then explain it to me. Please? I want to understand how you feel. What you're thinking." When I stubbornly shook my head, she sighed. "I can help you, Edward. But only if you talk to me. It's not healthy for you to keep it all locked up inside."

I looked out the window, ignoring her. She didn't understand, and I wasn't going to spell it out to her. So maybe she was right about me feeling guilty. Why wouldn't I? It was my fault. But it was the word 'abuse' that caused me to snap. I hated James for hurting me, but he did it because I was bad, because I deserved it. That wasn't abuse, it was punishment. He had made sure I knew the difference.

But that final night, he went too far. That night, he didn't stop until the police showed up. My memories after that were foggy - Carlisle said it was because I had slipped in and out of consciousness - but one thing I remembered was my mother's voice, yelling at them to let go of her husband. She wasn't mad at James for hurting me - she was mad at the police for taking him away.

She knew I deserved it. That's why she didn't want me.

And that was something I was too ashamed to ever admit out loud.

**oOoOoOo**

I knew people were talking about me behind my back. Forks was a small town, and rumors traveled fast. Most of my classmates avoided me like the plague, which suited me just fine. Then there were a few idiots who always thought it was funny to provoke me until I lost it. I tried to ignore them most of the time, but sometimes it just became too much.

Although I would freak out if anyone as much as attempted to touch me, I had no problem hitting someone who pissed me off. And I would keep pounding on them until they surrendered, not giving them a chance to strike back. That way I was in control. I wasn't trying to pick fights, but trouble had a way of finding me. I was used to it by now.

And these days, it didn't take much for me to snap.

Emmett confronted me about it one day after school, when he found out I had been suspended for two days after punching Tyler Crowley in the face. He wanted to know why I did it, and I told him - quite heatedly - to mind his own fucking business. It wasn't like he actually cared or anything. And frankly, I didn't want him to.

"Don't you ever get tired of being an ass?" he asked me angrily.

I flipped him off, and that was when Carlisle entered the room. He took one look at us and demanded to know what was going on.

"Nothing," Emmett muttered. When Carlisle looked at me, I shook my head in agreement. He sighed, but didn't push it any further. At least that's what I thought until I was about to follow Emmett out of the room, and he asked me to stay for a moment.

I tensed up in alarm, but knew I couldn't refuse. My stomach churned and I felt like I was going to be sick. I knew I was in trouble.

"Tell me what happened at school." He didn't sound mad, just concerned.

I shrugged, not sure what to say. "I don't know. I got pissed off."

"I see." Carlisle was silent for a moment. "I'll be honest with you, Edward. I worry about your temper. You always get so angry these days."

I just glared at him, frustrated, because I didn't have any good answer to his statement. It was true, though, I was constantly pissed off, and most of the time, I didn't even know why. Carlisle seemed to sense my inner turmoil, because his face softened and he went on in a low, almost pleading voice, "Tell me what to do, son. How can I make it easier for you? What do you need?"

He didn't understand. Why couldn't he just accept that I was a lost cause? There was nothing he could do.

And I didn't deserve his concern.

I heard his sharp intake of air as I just shook my head and turned my back on him. But he didn't protest or try to stop me as I left the room without another word.

**oOoOoOo**

"You know you can always join us for lunch." Alice sounded hopeful as she followed me through the crowded hallway. I just rolled my eyes, not bothering to respond.

If she hadn't figured out by now that Hell would freeze over before I sat my foot in the fucking cafeteria, she probably never would. It would just be a waste of time pointing it out to her. Besides, it most likely wouldn't stop her from keep pestering me about it, even if she knew how I really felt. She could never just take a hint and let the matter drop.

Alice refused to accept that I just wanted to be left alone. Giving her a warning look, I stomped off and left her standing in the middle of the hallway, heading for my locker to pick up my books. Not that I was that eager to get to class, I just wanted to get away from Alice and her annoying looks of sympathy and compassion that I didn't understand, that I had never asked for.

I didn't want her pity, and I sure as hell didn't want to be her fucking charity case.

Casting an annoyed look at my watch, I cursed to myself as I realized I had to hurry if I didn't want to be late for my first class. I was never late for class. Either I made it before the bell rang, or I didn't go at all. The thought of walking into a full classroom where everyone's eyes would be on me as I had to cross the room to get to my seat was enough to make my stomach lurch.

I hurriedly grabbed the books I needed and then looked wistfully at my watch again, wishing I had enough time for a smoke. It wasn't that I necessarily enjoyed the taste of the cigarettes, but somehow, I found it relaxing. Plus, it helped adding to my badass reputation, which I hoped would keep driving people away from me.

But unfortunately, with only a few minutes left to spare, I had to give up the idea. Letting out a defeated sigh, I was just about to step around a corner when someone bumped right into me, causing me to gasp in surprise and stumble back. My heart started beating wildly in my chest and my mind instantly cried out in alarm at the contact.

It was a girl, and I didn't recognize her. She had brown hair and her eyes were the same warm color as chocolate. Her cheeks flushed pink as we stared at each other, and for a brief moment, I felt like the world had just stopped. Then I snapped out of it, anger welling up inside me, and I took a threatening step towards her, although I really wanted to run the other direction.

But what really scared me was that a part of me actually wanted to stay.

"Watch where you're going, bitch," I hissed, glaring at her. As soon as the harsh words had left my mouth, I regretted them, which was totally out of character for me and frightened me even more.

And the hurt look on her face didn't exactly make things better. It bothered me, for reasons I couldn't comprehend. I was confused. And I didn't like the feeling one bit.

"W-what?" she stuttered, her face crimson now.

"Just get the fuck out of my way," I snapped and quickly stepped past her, not looking back once, even though I could feel her large eyes burning into my back.

The hurt expression on her face kept haunting me as I strode through the corridor, although I did my best to ignore it, telling myself that I didn't care.


End file.
